COULD I BE ANY MORE TIRED.
Since Sunday when i woke up i've gotten 7 hours of sleep.... so in the last 72 hours i've gotten 7 hours of rest....
I'm a jerk on less than 9 a night.... I feel like a zombie
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Sunday, April 5, 2009
and a now pic....
same one from about a week ago just a bump up so you can see how much bigger i got this time!
for those who don't believe...
I've been telling you all i was tiny when i delivered kayd.... this was four days before i had him....
A blast from my past
Look at my bald little baby! I miss this so much!!! He spent hours upon hours in this thing every day. I think there was a point in time he wasn't happy if he wasn't in his "bouncy seat"
I pray his brother enjoys it as much as he did
My lovely baby bump
Havin some contractions tonight. wishin they'd get more regular so i can have a baby! Kayd had to yell to the baby to come by morning! I kinda hope he does too.... but I'm guessin not! Just can't get that lucky!
Friday, April 3, 2009
Having a major panic attack
We're under a month to go and I'm totally freaking out! I have so much to fix and so much to do and so much i know i can't do.
I hate that I'm two weeks from having my child knowing there's no way in the world for me to do it and to take care of him. I hate the idea that because my road will start out rocky becuase of health issues that i might have to give my child up.
I hate that everyone says if he doesn't pay his support he'll go to jail. But it still doesn't feed and diaper my child! I don't know what to do but being two weeks from delivery and wondering if you should give half of your heart up is totally heart wrenching.
I hate that I'm two weeks from having my child knowing there's no way in the world for me to do it and to take care of him. I hate the idea that because my road will start out rocky becuase of health issues that i might have to give my child up.
I hate that everyone says if he doesn't pay his support he'll go to jail. But it still doesn't feed and diaper my child! I don't know what to do but being two weeks from delivery and wondering if you should give half of your heart up is totally heart wrenching.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Crunch time
I realize now how close i am to having my second son. Can he stay inside forever? I'm not ready! I am very very very ready to not have this constant back pain but i fear having him won't really fix the issue!
He's still unnamed, He just has to get here and let me hold him and then I'll know! Everyone's been asking, but i just don't know that i can choose a name without holding him!
I wonder everyday what he's going to look like, What his cry will be, What will soothe him when he's sad, How big he'll be. (he has huge feet!!!!) I wonder if we'll be able to make it through together and survive the life thats been handed to us!
I pray that i can do enough to cover up for the mistakes that have been made. I know i'm capable of taking care of him but I just hope and pray that I have some help!!!!
Within the next two weeks all of our unknowns should be answered!!!
He's still unnamed, He just has to get here and let me hold him and then I'll know! Everyone's been asking, but i just don't know that i can choose a name without holding him!
I wonder everyday what he's going to look like, What his cry will be, What will soothe him when he's sad, How big he'll be. (he has huge feet!!!!) I wonder if we'll be able to make it through together and survive the life thats been handed to us!
I pray that i can do enough to cover up for the mistakes that have been made. I know i'm capable of taking care of him but I just hope and pray that I have some help!!!!
Within the next two weeks all of our unknowns should be answered!!!
Monday, March 30, 2009
My baby turns five!
So Tomorrow i wake up to a five year old terrorizing the house!
We decided that we needed a birthday present that would help with him and the baby....
We got it one day early and are putting it together tonight so he can enjoy it all day tomorrow and then every day thereafter (including when the baby comes and momma needs a break!)
My uncle and my sisters boyfriend helped put it together since i don't have a chance in hell to get it done with my back.
We decided that we needed a birthday present that would help with him and the baby....
We got it one day early and are putting it together tonight so he can enjoy it all day tomorrow and then every day thereafter (including when the baby comes and momma needs a break!)
My uncle and my sisters boyfriend helped put it together since i don't have a chance in hell to get it done with my back.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
bloody show?!
Thirty five weeks and i've experienced bloody show! Kinda excited about that! It means the end is nearing!
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Exhaustion sets in!
I see the little counter and it tells me i have about 37 days to go. And to the counter i say SCREW YOUR 37 days! I'm miserable. I'm going to start pushing in 15 days! :D I've been tired, and i ache. My back is screaming at me. I spent sunday in contractions, monday dealing with doctors hospitals swabs needles and tests. Today i have to go back and see my doctor again. We're becoming very very good friends through all of this... ((Sarcasm))
The little man is still very unnamed. I've got to come up with something! I just don't want to make the wrong choice. It will come sooner or later i'm sure! I haven't even thought of anything. There's not a name that is in my head floating around. Its completely a blank slate. I know names it WON'T be. but that doesn't help as much as what people think it would!
Hopefully this will all be over soon :D
The little man is still very unnamed. I've got to come up with something! I just don't want to make the wrong choice. It will come sooner or later i'm sure! I haven't even thought of anything. There's not a name that is in my head floating around. Its completely a blank slate. I know names it WON'T be. but that doesn't help as much as what people think it would!
Hopefully this will all be over soon :D
Saturday, March 21, 2009
my week in review
What a week! Its been long and exhausting. I'm ready for the baby to come so I can have two days of vacation in the hospital with nothing to do but take care of myself and my two boys.
Grandma is dying of CF. Its really hard to watch her suffer. Its even harder to keep her off her feet. She's getting very forgetful and very very very set in her ways. If she thinks something should go one way, thats the way its going to go, and if you're in her way you get run over. Its good I'm stubborn. But its too much. I hate arguing with her three to four times a day on her meds, and on her food intake, and over the way to stack the dishwasher. I do it with honor. She's taken care of me for a very long time and I know I'm lucky to still have her here. In June we were told she wouldn't make it more than six months.
We lucked out. I got pregnant. And that gave her nine months more that she had to live. She yelled at me when she found out we were expecting. "Jamie you little shit. You would do that to me. Now i have to live til April to meet my grandbaby?!" I just smiled and said yes ma'am you do! I am sure that this little boy isn't the only reason she's still alive and kicking. But i know the mind is stronger than the body. She's giving up. Its getting harder and harder to care for her. Especially with my back. But a month ago we weren't sure she'd ever get to meet the little one!
But here she is. Just 40 days from my due date and she's still holding on.
I'm very tired. I'm worn out. I'm discouraged. I'm feeling kinda useless. But I'm making it through. I'm ready for my son to come and I'm ready to talk my doctor into tying my tubes up! I can't wait for my son but I know that I never want to do this again. I can't handle the stress pregnancy has put on my body. I am ready to be done. He still has growing to do. His lungs and liver still need to develop further. He needs to get bigger. (or at least thats what the books say.) but I'm fat my back hurts i'm miserable and i'm ready to have a few minutes away!
Tonight someone else is going to come take care of grandma so i can sneak out of the house for a little while. She's requiring round the clock care. And i need a break!
Grandma is dying of CF. Its really hard to watch her suffer. Its even harder to keep her off her feet. She's getting very forgetful and very very very set in her ways. If she thinks something should go one way, thats the way its going to go, and if you're in her way you get run over. Its good I'm stubborn. But its too much. I hate arguing with her three to four times a day on her meds, and on her food intake, and over the way to stack the dishwasher. I do it with honor. She's taken care of me for a very long time and I know I'm lucky to still have her here. In June we were told she wouldn't make it more than six months.
We lucked out. I got pregnant. And that gave her nine months more that she had to live. She yelled at me when she found out we were expecting. "Jamie you little shit. You would do that to me. Now i have to live til April to meet my grandbaby?!" I just smiled and said yes ma'am you do! I am sure that this little boy isn't the only reason she's still alive and kicking. But i know the mind is stronger than the body. She's giving up. Its getting harder and harder to care for her. Especially with my back. But a month ago we weren't sure she'd ever get to meet the little one!
But here she is. Just 40 days from my due date and she's still holding on.
I'm very tired. I'm worn out. I'm discouraged. I'm feeling kinda useless. But I'm making it through. I'm ready for my son to come and I'm ready to talk my doctor into tying my tubes up! I can't wait for my son but I know that I never want to do this again. I can't handle the stress pregnancy has put on my body. I am ready to be done. He still has growing to do. His lungs and liver still need to develop further. He needs to get bigger. (or at least thats what the books say.) but I'm fat my back hurts i'm miserable and i'm ready to have a few minutes away!
Tonight someone else is going to come take care of grandma so i can sneak out of the house for a little while. She's requiring round the clock care. And i need a break!
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
fifty one days!
All my fingers and toes... All Kayds fingers and toes.... And all the fingers of the new baby.... Thats all we need to count how many days i have left! I've never wanted to chop off hands and feet more!
Fifty more days of pain. I can't hardly imagine it! I'm ready to have this litle critter now. I'm still holding out hope that my doctor will take me a few weeks early. If he takes me at 38 weeks then i can cut off two hands and all but one toe on a foot. That totally works for me!
Grandma's home and slowly gaining strength. It takes a lot of hard work to take care of her. Its been bad on my back. I pray for new strength for her everyday!
Kayd is getting crazier by the minute. I really hope he gets his bad attitude in check by the time the new kid comes. I can't handle it! He needs to go out and run the stink off!!!!!
I need to just lay in a tanning bed and forget life for 10 minutes! Maybe later today i can do that!
Fifty more days of pain. I can't hardly imagine it! I'm ready to have this litle critter now. I'm still holding out hope that my doctor will take me a few weeks early. If he takes me at 38 weeks then i can cut off two hands and all but one toe on a foot. That totally works for me!
Grandma's home and slowly gaining strength. It takes a lot of hard work to take care of her. Its been bad on my back. I pray for new strength for her everyday!
Kayd is getting crazier by the minute. I really hope he gets his bad attitude in check by the time the new kid comes. I can't handle it! He needs to go out and run the stink off!!!!!
I need to just lay in a tanning bed and forget life for 10 minutes! Maybe later today i can do that!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Lots of new stuff
I saw my doctor yesterday. Took him my films from my MRI and we looked over them together.
There is degeneration as well as a herniation in the disc between L4 and L5! I start PT today! I'm actually excited for that! It will feel good to get out of the house and away. And Kayd can't come with me! Its like a mini vacation! Doc doesn't want to do a spinal block because of the risks it produces for my little unnamed wonder. (still doesn't have a name the poor kid!) I'm hoping there's something they can do or recommend that will make my next 5-8 weeks more managable.
I talked to my doctor yesterday while i was in about how we aren't sure grandma is going to make it til the baby comes and if in five weeks she's still here and we're coming down to the wire he needs to know that I'm going to push to do anything i can to get the baby here while she's still alive. I remember 10 years ago when my grandfather died, the day we burried him my moms cousin rhonda had her first child. I just don't want to give birth on the same day i bury my second mom.
So i guess if you're reading this pray that i make it and she makes it and we both have the emotional strength to get there.
I will know by the days end if i am proud owner of a new breast pump or not. Well not new but new to me. I have all the tubings and things I'd need for the pump as i was lucky enough to borrow a pump from a friend last time. Between that and my sanitizing dish washer i think i'm ready for some pumping action.
I'm still not ready to have a baby. Its going to be such an adjustment! And I just don't know how i'm going to juggle my life, my kid, my grandma, and my baby! But somehow we'll figure it out and we'll get there!
There is degeneration as well as a herniation in the disc between L4 and L5! I start PT today! I'm actually excited for that! It will feel good to get out of the house and away. And Kayd can't come with me! Its like a mini vacation! Doc doesn't want to do a spinal block because of the risks it produces for my little unnamed wonder. (still doesn't have a name the poor kid!) I'm hoping there's something they can do or recommend that will make my next 5-8 weeks more managable.
I talked to my doctor yesterday while i was in about how we aren't sure grandma is going to make it til the baby comes and if in five weeks she's still here and we're coming down to the wire he needs to know that I'm going to push to do anything i can to get the baby here while she's still alive. I remember 10 years ago when my grandfather died, the day we burried him my moms cousin rhonda had her first child. I just don't want to give birth on the same day i bury my second mom.
So i guess if you're reading this pray that i make it and she makes it and we both have the emotional strength to get there.
I will know by the days end if i am proud owner of a new breast pump or not. Well not new but new to me. I have all the tubings and things I'd need for the pump as i was lucky enough to borrow a pump from a friend last time. Between that and my sanitizing dish washer i think i'm ready for some pumping action.
I'm still not ready to have a baby. Its going to be such an adjustment! And I just don't know how i'm going to juggle my life, my kid, my grandma, and my baby! But somehow we'll figure it out and we'll get there!
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
He's already getting me in trouble
So I had an MRI today and my little unnamed prince did NOT like it at all.
For
me it was loud and it was cramped and I was feeling a little bit closed
in. For him and his tiny ears i'm sure the sound was more than he could
stand. I quite literally thought i'd deliver right there in the MRI
tube. He tried his damnedest to crawl right out of my skin the poor kid!
The
MRI tech kept yelling at me to lay really still. I didn't move an inch.
I just kept telling her to tell my little man that! You can see on some
of the films where he really didn't like the sound because it looks
like a fish swam across my back as they were taking the picture. Just
very distorted!
I hope they find the answer to my back pain through these films! I just keep praying for wisdom for my doc.
I got a whole new round of meds yesterday. Another 14 day round of steroids for the back. Some stuff for the heartburn, a supply of meds for the vomiting (yes i'm 32 weeks and STILL throwing up daily! its MISERABLE!!!!!) and of course something for the pain my back has me in! I am hoping they find the right answer and are able to provide some relief so i can enjoy my next six weeks.... (thats all the kid gets. I start pushing at 37 weeks active labor or not!!!!!!)
My little man and i are off! We're getting him a new pair of shoes and we are getting him an outfit or two and I'm going to let him get a gift for his brother for when he is born! We're going to get picture outfits and maybe even get pictures done today! I can't wait to spend the day with my angel! Did I mention LUNCH DATE?!
For
me it was loud and it was cramped and I was feeling a little bit closed
in. For him and his tiny ears i'm sure the sound was more than he could
stand. I quite literally thought i'd deliver right there in the MRI
tube. He tried his damnedest to crawl right out of my skin the poor kid!
The
MRI tech kept yelling at me to lay really still. I didn't move an inch.
I just kept telling her to tell my little man that! You can see on some
of the films where he really didn't like the sound because it looks
like a fish swam across my back as they were taking the picture. Just
very distorted!
I hope they find the answer to my back pain through these films! I just keep praying for wisdom for my doc.
I got a whole new round of meds yesterday. Another 14 day round of steroids for the back. Some stuff for the heartburn, a supply of meds for the vomiting (yes i'm 32 weeks and STILL throwing up daily! its MISERABLE!!!!!) and of course something for the pain my back has me in! I am hoping they find the right answer and are able to provide some relief so i can enjoy my next six weeks.... (thats all the kid gets. I start pushing at 37 weeks active labor or not!!!!!!)
My little man and i are off! We're getting him a new pair of shoes and we are getting him an outfit or two and I'm going to let him get a gift for his brother for when he is born! We're going to get picture outfits and maybe even get pictures done today! I can't wait to spend the day with my angel! Did I mention LUNCH DATE?!
Monday, March 2, 2009
My little man isn't very little
I was sitting at the computer catching up on some money stuff and trying to figure out my taxes and my little man came running over. He put in Mary Poppins to keep himself busy. He came over with a tape measure to see "How momma measures up" and that little kids going to be four feet by the next time i turn around.
I love him but can't he stay little!?
Someone tell me this new one will stay little?!?!?! I don't want two big boys! I want my babies back.
He's not even here and its the beginning of the end :(
I love him but can't he stay little!?
Someone tell me this new one will stay little?!?!?! I don't want two big boys! I want my babies back.
He's not even here and its the beginning of the end :(
Saturday, February 28, 2009
61 days to go!!!!
That is all i needed to say! I've got two calendar months and thats it!!! March and April here i come!
I've told everyone starting at about 37 weeks i'm just going to start pushing. Everyone keeps assuring me thats not the way it works.... But I'm not so sure i believe them!
Its not that I'm ready to have a baby, because I'M NOT. But I'm ready to not be pregnant! But if the baby thinks he wants to stay inside me for the next 61 days I guess there's just not much I can do about it!
Oh how I wish the dates were wrong! :D
I've told everyone starting at about 37 weeks i'm just going to start pushing. Everyone keeps assuring me thats not the way it works.... But I'm not so sure i believe them!
Its not that I'm ready to have a baby, because I'M NOT. But I'm ready to not be pregnant! But if the baby thinks he wants to stay inside me for the next 61 days I guess there's just not much I can do about it!
Oh how I wish the dates were wrong! :D
Monday, February 23, 2009
ONLY sixty six days to go....
Only seems like such a crappy word when it comes to pregnancy. I'm in fear for my body for the rest of its existence! Worried that any point in time that first stretch marks going to spring to life on my stomach. Worried that my back pain won't get any better and they are going to find alternative routes for Labor and delivery. I'm worry that i will spend the next 66 days throwing up as i have done every day since before i found out i'm pregnant!
Thats a lot of junk to cram into 66 days. Not to mention I don't have nearly all of what I need. I still have a ton of work to do on his blanket before its finished. I have to get Kayd a blanket finished as well so he won't feel left out. I have absolutely no clue who's taking care of My big prince while my little prince is busy being hatched.
And then to add insult to injury I'm back to being unsure about this childs name! Holy cow! I have about nine weeks to go (give or take) (hopefully just a LITTLE take) and this kid does NOT have a name! Thats discouraging. Nothing fits. Nothing makes sense. Nothing seems right. Nothing is as good as the name we picked together.
I hate making decisions. A name is a big deal. Kaydens name was so easy. I knew from the get what his name was going to be. I'm just NOT that lucky this time around! Just seems unfair for my little guy!
I'm ready for a nice big glass of wine and a long hot bath.... And for that ONLY is an exciting measure of time!
Thats a lot of junk to cram into 66 days. Not to mention I don't have nearly all of what I need. I still have a ton of work to do on his blanket before its finished. I have to get Kayd a blanket finished as well so he won't feel left out. I have absolutely no clue who's taking care of My big prince while my little prince is busy being hatched.
And then to add insult to injury I'm back to being unsure about this childs name! Holy cow! I have about nine weeks to go (give or take) (hopefully just a LITTLE take) and this kid does NOT have a name! Thats discouraging. Nothing fits. Nothing makes sense. Nothing seems right. Nothing is as good as the name we picked together.
I hate making decisions. A name is a big deal. Kaydens name was so easy. I knew from the get what his name was going to be. I'm just NOT that lucky this time around! Just seems unfair for my little guy!
I'm ready for a nice big glass of wine and a long hot bath.... And for that ONLY is an exciting measure of time!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Dr visit today
I went to my doctor today for a normal pregnancy check up. Which seem to be happening every other day if you ask me.
The baby is doing fantastic! He's growing and gaining and doing very well! Which is exciting for any mom to hear. Kayd loves to hear his brothers heartbeat when we go in! He asked me today why I have a horsey in my tummy! (Kam's heartbeat sounded more like a gallop than a heart beat to kayd)
Doc looked at my back. I've been having severe pain. He decided that i have a herniated disc and thats whats causing my pain. It leads to nerve issues which is why my leg going numb. Finally a cause to my symptoms and everything going on. WHAT A MESS!!! He adjusted me, and i felt better for about two minutes! but i'm back to being in pain again :(
so MORE meds. more drama. He hopes to get it all under control before L&D time as a herniated lumbar disc could complicate things a little bit! Here's hoping!
Kayd gets to go spend the night with his cousins tomorrow which means i get to take a night off! (POKER AT JAMIE'S!?!?!?!?!) Hope all of you have a wonderful weekend!
The baby is doing fantastic! He's growing and gaining and doing very well! Which is exciting for any mom to hear. Kayd loves to hear his brothers heartbeat when we go in! He asked me today why I have a horsey in my tummy! (Kam's heartbeat sounded more like a gallop than a heart beat to kayd)
Doc looked at my back. I've been having severe pain. He decided that i have a herniated disc and thats whats causing my pain. It leads to nerve issues which is why my leg going numb. Finally a cause to my symptoms and everything going on. WHAT A MESS!!! He adjusted me, and i felt better for about two minutes! but i'm back to being in pain again :(
so MORE meds. more drama. He hopes to get it all under control before L&D time as a herniated lumbar disc could complicate things a little bit! Here's hoping!
Kayd gets to go spend the night with his cousins tomorrow which means i get to take a night off! (POKER AT JAMIE'S!?!?!?!?!) Hope all of you have a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A true pregnancy update
Lifes been so crazy busy i haven't done a true update on my pregnancy.
according to many websites the baby is already three plus pounds.
So pretty much of the five or so lbs i've put on just about 4 of it is baby?! I look pregnant so I'm not real sure about this not gaining any weight gig. I did it with Kayden too, and i survived. A lot of sites say at this point you start gaining about a pound a week. And the baby gains a half pound a week. Bring on the poundage i guess.
I've been so busy. Grandma is still in the hospital. (Went in Superbowl Sunday) and i've been back and forth and up and down in my adventures as well!
I can only sit for so long as i have pinched the nerve in my back that leads down to the leg. Its cause for much pain. And tons of discomfort! Only 10 weeks to go. And after 36 or 37 weeks I'm praying for a baby! So essentially i could be holdin my little kiddo in as little as 50 or as many as 70 days! (if i go more than that i'll be quite unhappy!!!!!)
Ken forgot to pay his phone bill and has been without a phone for 5 or so days and its been so wonderfully quiet. Kinda scary knowing i can't get ahold of him if something bad happens but its okay because i know he doesn't care anyway.
I'm trying on a daily basis to grow an attachment with this little one. Its just been so hard with everything going on. I know we'll share a bond. I know it will be okay, I know I'll love him very much but i hate that i feel like right now i have to force it.
I'm going to go lay down on the couch. I've been awake for 3 hours and can't hardly keep my eyes open! (Gotta love the third trimester!!!)
according to many websites the baby is already three plus pounds.
So pretty much of the five or so lbs i've put on just about 4 of it is baby?! I look pregnant so I'm not real sure about this not gaining any weight gig. I did it with Kayden too, and i survived. A lot of sites say at this point you start gaining about a pound a week. And the baby gains a half pound a week. Bring on the poundage i guess.
I've been so busy. Grandma is still in the hospital. (Went in Superbowl Sunday) and i've been back and forth and up and down in my adventures as well!
I can only sit for so long as i have pinched the nerve in my back that leads down to the leg. Its cause for much pain. And tons of discomfort! Only 10 weeks to go. And after 36 or 37 weeks I'm praying for a baby! So essentially i could be holdin my little kiddo in as little as 50 or as many as 70 days! (if i go more than that i'll be quite unhappy!!!!!)
Ken forgot to pay his phone bill and has been without a phone for 5 or so days and its been so wonderfully quiet. Kinda scary knowing i can't get ahold of him if something bad happens but its okay because i know he doesn't care anyway.
I'm trying on a daily basis to grow an attachment with this little one. Its just been so hard with everything going on. I know we'll share a bond. I know it will be okay, I know I'll love him very much but i hate that i feel like right now i have to force it.
I'm going to go lay down on the couch. I've been awake for 3 hours and can't hardly keep my eyes open! (Gotta love the third trimester!!!)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Salt in the wound
So they told us yesterday that grandma doesn't have very long left. Its completely and totally heartbreaking. I'm not ready to say goodbye. Not while I'm pregnant. Not with everything else in my life crashing around me.
Ken still owes her money and its very sad that she'll die disappointed in me that we never paid our debt. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. My heart hurts.
I just need to be held right now.
Ken still owes her money and its very sad that she'll die disappointed in me that we never paid our debt. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. My heart hurts.
I just need to be held right now.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Life
How crazy can one persons life be in such a short amount of time? its good to have my kid and i've got a few friends that have really stood behind me. None that understand. But still lend their support.
I'm kinda at a crossroads. I've overcome it well and am excited for my future. I'm ready to move on with my life and i'm ready to have good things happen. In less than 12 weeks little Kamden (i think....) will be here and my life will be completely thrown up on its side!
Speaking of throwing up.... I still do that on a daily basis. I'm highly anemic which causes incredible bruising. (That is quite uncomfortable) and no matter how much potassium i take i get charley horses that cannot be rivaled! I'm getting incredibly fat. Not really anywhere but my belly. So thats nice. But i still don't enjoy that! No stretch marks (YET) (KNOCK ON WOOD!!!!)
I've learned a lot about a lot of people! I have learned a lot about myself. I've had some friends step up to the plate and be so kind and so generous and i have nothing but love and gratitude for them! And I find it so confusing how people that are just on the side lines watching can step up to the plate and be so helpful and give so much and the creator of this child can sit back and do nothing but deny our son.
I pray for mercy and I pray for compassion. I'm having trouble being compassionate. I'm having trouble with the turmoil that rages around me. He tells me he's coming to the birth and he's cutting the cord. I'm really uncomfortable with that idea. And i feel like a terrible person. I just know he's not going to find any grace for me in my hospital room as i'm laboring and its painful and I know he won't rub my back or hold me. I remember the moments right after Kayden was born.
I remember him peeing all over MY pillow (couldn't pee on the hospitals pillows it had to be my personal pillow from home!) I remember delivering and the trying to get onto my back instead of hands and knees to see what was going on in my hospital room. I remember looking around at all the faces. My doctor my mom my doula sarah and my good friend Brooke. I remember looking at brooke and seeing the tears in her eyes. Damn it, I was good til then. But I cried too.
Birth is such an intimate experience and i cannot imagine sharing with someone who isn't supportive. But at the same time how can i deny a father the right to see his sons birth? And my mom has decided to take charge of the situation and has told me he's not welcome there and he doesn't get to cut the cord. It just makes me want to do it alone. To deliver quietly. To do it for me. Noone but me and the doctor and nurse in the room. But at the same time my mom would never forgive me. So its kinda a lose lose situation!
How can someone really want to go through childbirth alone. How can my friends and family have such spite for Ken that they completely downplay my feelings in it all. Realize that i can say he's so terrible because he did me so incredibly wrong and he's been so completely terrible to his son. But I hate that they say mean things about him like they've earned the right. I hate that they think they can throw my bad choices in my face. It hurts. And I'm ready to just find a rock to go move under.
I'm kinda at a crossroads. I've overcome it well and am excited for my future. I'm ready to move on with my life and i'm ready to have good things happen. In less than 12 weeks little Kamden (i think....) will be here and my life will be completely thrown up on its side!
Speaking of throwing up.... I still do that on a daily basis. I'm highly anemic which causes incredible bruising. (That is quite uncomfortable) and no matter how much potassium i take i get charley horses that cannot be rivaled! I'm getting incredibly fat. Not really anywhere but my belly. So thats nice. But i still don't enjoy that! No stretch marks (YET) (KNOCK ON WOOD!!!!)
I've learned a lot about a lot of people! I have learned a lot about myself. I've had some friends step up to the plate and be so kind and so generous and i have nothing but love and gratitude for them! And I find it so confusing how people that are just on the side lines watching can step up to the plate and be so helpful and give so much and the creator of this child can sit back and do nothing but deny our son.
I pray for mercy and I pray for compassion. I'm having trouble being compassionate. I'm having trouble with the turmoil that rages around me. He tells me he's coming to the birth and he's cutting the cord. I'm really uncomfortable with that idea. And i feel like a terrible person. I just know he's not going to find any grace for me in my hospital room as i'm laboring and its painful and I know he won't rub my back or hold me. I remember the moments right after Kayden was born.
I remember him peeing all over MY pillow (couldn't pee on the hospitals pillows it had to be my personal pillow from home!) I remember delivering and the trying to get onto my back instead of hands and knees to see what was going on in my hospital room. I remember looking around at all the faces. My doctor my mom my doula sarah and my good friend Brooke. I remember looking at brooke and seeing the tears in her eyes. Damn it, I was good til then. But I cried too.
Birth is such an intimate experience and i cannot imagine sharing with someone who isn't supportive. But at the same time how can i deny a father the right to see his sons birth? And my mom has decided to take charge of the situation and has told me he's not welcome there and he doesn't get to cut the cord. It just makes me want to do it alone. To deliver quietly. To do it for me. Noone but me and the doctor and nurse in the room. But at the same time my mom would never forgive me. So its kinda a lose lose situation!
How can someone really want to go through childbirth alone. How can my friends and family have such spite for Ken that they completely downplay my feelings in it all. Realize that i can say he's so terrible because he did me so incredibly wrong and he's been so completely terrible to his son. But I hate that they say mean things about him like they've earned the right. I hate that they think they can throw my bad choices in my face. It hurts. And I'm ready to just find a rock to go move under.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I miss you
For my grandfather who has been gone 10 years. He went home on Jan 28 1999 *I haven't been to bed yet so it still feels like Wednesday to me.
and for others that have been lost and have meant so much
and for others that have been lost and have meant so much
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
My baby belly bruise
If this is anything to speak of my son, he'll be a total bruiser!
I actually ended up getting sick while in the bath tub last night. Leaned over while still in the tub and i guess the heaving bruised my poor tummy! :(
Still?
I'm 26 weeks pregnant and still fighting with morning sickness. Monday and Tuesday were terrible! I can't believe how sick I've still been.
Yesterday i was so exhausted i didn't even want to move.... And neither did the baby. (who is no longer going to be known as baby Wyatt for those of you who didn't know!) At about 8:30 PM i started freaking out... I had only been mildly concerned throughout the rest of the day when he hadn't moved. But it was getting late and he was still. So right around 8:30 at night i took a hot bath. He loves them... I don't know why but he always kicks more when I'm in the bath. Maybe the fact that I'm so much less stressed out when I'm in the tub? But none the less he loves them! I drank a soda with some caffeine in it hoping that would rouse him. Usually that makes him move lots and lots! Nothing.... I hadn't felt him move since the night prior. (Monday) And finally at about 9:30 or so i felt it.... A kick. He's ok! I was honestly the most scared i have ever been at that point in time. Babies don't just STOP moving around. I was concerned by about three in the afternoon, but settled in for a HUGE nap and when i woke and he wasn't kicking around i started freaking out a bit!
I'm not sure what to do about all of that but I'm definitely going to keep my eye on it! Could it have just been because i was so sick that Baby didn't want to move around!? I'm going to call my doctors office on it today. I feel like a worry wart but i want to make sure everythings all okay!
Life's been crazy other than the whole baby baking thing! I have been relaxing and trying to stay calm. Lots of meditation. Lots of time in quiet reflection. I can't seem to find the words during prayer so i just sit in the presence of God hoping he can figure my heart out better than I've been able to! He's good even though i'm angry. I know he's going to pull me out of this soon and help me back up on my feet. The kids and I are kinda counting on it!
I'm going to go back for more rest. I just can't seem to get my feet under me! I was up getting sick until 3 or later this morning and was right back at it by nine. Maybe this is why I've lost all that weight and am back down to a prepregnancy weight! :( Keep me and the boys in your prayers as we try to make it through our day!
Yesterday i was so exhausted i didn't even want to move.... And neither did the baby. (who is no longer going to be known as baby Wyatt for those of you who didn't know!) At about 8:30 PM i started freaking out... I had only been mildly concerned throughout the rest of the day when he hadn't moved. But it was getting late and he was still. So right around 8:30 at night i took a hot bath. He loves them... I don't know why but he always kicks more when I'm in the bath. Maybe the fact that I'm so much less stressed out when I'm in the tub? But none the less he loves them! I drank a soda with some caffeine in it hoping that would rouse him. Usually that makes him move lots and lots! Nothing.... I hadn't felt him move since the night prior. (Monday) And finally at about 9:30 or so i felt it.... A kick. He's ok! I was honestly the most scared i have ever been at that point in time. Babies don't just STOP moving around. I was concerned by about three in the afternoon, but settled in for a HUGE nap and when i woke and he wasn't kicking around i started freaking out a bit!
I'm not sure what to do about all of that but I'm definitely going to keep my eye on it! Could it have just been because i was so sick that Baby didn't want to move around!? I'm going to call my doctors office on it today. I feel like a worry wart but i want to make sure everythings all okay!
Life's been crazy other than the whole baby baking thing! I have been relaxing and trying to stay calm. Lots of meditation. Lots of time in quiet reflection. I can't seem to find the words during prayer so i just sit in the presence of God hoping he can figure my heart out better than I've been able to! He's good even though i'm angry. I know he's going to pull me out of this soon and help me back up on my feet. The kids and I are kinda counting on it!
I'm going to go back for more rest. I just can't seem to get my feet under me! I was up getting sick until 3 or later this morning and was right back at it by nine. Maybe this is why I've lost all that weight and am back down to a prepregnancy weight! :( Keep me and the boys in your prayers as we try to make it through our day!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
the vividness of dreams
K So i know they say dreams can become very vivid during pregnancy. And that you can have some off the wall dreams. I experienced that recently!
I had a dream that i was in a terrible car accident and that i died. My son was lost as well. Not Kayd but my baby. Its completely weird to have a dying dream and to be watching it all happen from an outside view.
The dream continued on to the funeral. They had the baby in the casket with me. In my arms. (creepy i know!!!) The childs father came to pay his respects and he leaned in over the casket placed his hand on my cheek stroked it and spit on me. He told my lifeless body. "I'm glad you're dead. You deserve this." He then leaned in over our son Kissed him on his forehead and told him, "I never wanted you, I'm glad its over."
I'm not sure how to get past that one. I know its just a dream and dreams don't mean anything. But thats not just a nothing dream to have.
I'm a psych major, and in one of my classes we spent a lot of time talking about dreams. And what they can mean psychologically. Some people think that dreams are the minds way of filing extra stresses away into the filing system our brain keeps to help maintain sanity. Others feel that they are just random neurons firing off which in turn create pictures then processed by the brain and sometimes result in what become odd dreams. Some people think that its our fears or our hopes coming into play. But noone can say for sure what these dreams really truly mean.
Freud, the father of psychology as we know it, (and a total quack if you ask me.) has the theory that nothing occured by chance. He believed that we repress things and that these repressed feelings or actions have to come out some way. (in dreams) Essentially our id at its best pulls forth while in dreams, because the ego and super ego are conscious efforts
Freud wrote "Dreams are the guardians of sleep and not its disturbers." thats a tall glass of water if you ask me?!"
What exactly is this dream meaning?! I think Freud is a quack but i'd love to lay on his couch
So to pull that back.... From what i've learned... The death itself could be part of my psyche dying and being transformed? but i'm not sure where the casket onlooker fits into that
any ideas?
I had a dream that i was in a terrible car accident and that i died. My son was lost as well. Not Kayd but my baby. Its completely weird to have a dying dream and to be watching it all happen from an outside view.
The dream continued on to the funeral. They had the baby in the casket with me. In my arms. (creepy i know!!!) The childs father came to pay his respects and he leaned in over the casket placed his hand on my cheek stroked it and spit on me. He told my lifeless body. "I'm glad you're dead. You deserve this." He then leaned in over our son Kissed him on his forehead and told him, "I never wanted you, I'm glad its over."
I'm not sure how to get past that one. I know its just a dream and dreams don't mean anything. But thats not just a nothing dream to have.
I'm a psych major, and in one of my classes we spent a lot of time talking about dreams. And what they can mean psychologically. Some people think that dreams are the minds way of filing extra stresses away into the filing system our brain keeps to help maintain sanity. Others feel that they are just random neurons firing off which in turn create pictures then processed by the brain and sometimes result in what become odd dreams. Some people think that its our fears or our hopes coming into play. But noone can say for sure what these dreams really truly mean.
Freud, the father of psychology as we know it, (and a total quack if you ask me.) has the theory that nothing occured by chance. He believed that we repress things and that these repressed feelings or actions have to come out some way. (in dreams) Essentially our id at its best pulls forth while in dreams, because the ego and super ego are conscious efforts
Freud wrote "Dreams are the guardians of sleep and not its disturbers." thats a tall glass of water if you ask me?!"
What exactly is this dream meaning?! I think Freud is a quack but i'd love to lay on his couch
So to pull that back.... From what i've learned... The death itself could be part of my psyche dying and being transformed? but i'm not sure where the casket onlooker fits into that
any ideas?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Whirlwind
I never imagined my life could be so crazy and desolate all at the same time! I cry out to a God who i know hears me. I know my punishment comes. But i wish he'd make up his mind on if I get to have peace or not. If I get to have healthy pregnancy or not. If I can even keep and raise this child alone or not. There's no peace. Even in my quiet prayer closet moment no peace comes. I smile but I just can't get excited about life. I haven't found a connection yet with the baby. I love him. But the connection isn't there. And that just snowballs everything.
I feel terrible. Its not this child's fault that life's turned out the way it has. He can't help that Ken's gone and I'm alone. He can't help that i feel like i can't do this. I know I can! I've been a single mom for just shy of five years. Whats one more kid with one more mouth for 18 years.
We haven't been able to have a productive conversation about my role and his role. All he says is call me in April. I can't wait til April to know how involved or uninvolved he's going to be. I can't do it alone. Physically I can. I can handle two kids. I can handle the sleepless nights. I can handle the baby sickness the feedings at all hours, the diapers, the crying, and the gross stuff that comes along with a baby. But, I can't do two with no help monetarily.
I didn't sign up for this this time! I signed up to be a wife and a mom. I signed up to love and be loved. I signed up for good times. I signed up for bad times. I did not sign up to have my heart somewhere out there doing whatever, without me.
I love my children. Both of them! With an unfaltering and unending love! I just can't seem to connect with everything going on in my world.
I've enjoyed just sitting back and trying to take care of myself! The tanning has been wonderful! I've had some good times with a very supportive friend in the last weeks. I went to a dollar movie at the end of last week. I've killed people online. (Mobsters..... myspace.... what else can you say?!) I've knitted. I've watched and played poker. I have been able to spend time smiling and laughing with a few people i consider friends. At the end of the day i am still alone. I still can't crawl into my bed.
I need to work on that. I need to sleep in a bed again. I need to realize he's not coming back and the couch won't hold up forever. I ache that my family isn't worth fighting for. Or that things have been blown so far out of the water in both our eyes we lost sight of the most important things!
I can't believe how big I'm getting. I had so hoped to be able to share this with someone. The kicks and the bumps and the growing disgusting belly! I want to experience for once what someone who's loved experiences while she's pregnant. I don't eat well because there's noone to bring me chocolate ice cream in the middle of the night when i want it but can't find the energy to get up. I just wish food tasted good. It doesn't to me anymore. I haven't had good food in a few weeks. I eat. But because i have to. Not because i want to. I'm just glad that it seems to be enough for the baby to grow and develop. Speaking of food i should probably find some!
Off i go! The newest pregnancy symptom has been terrible; Charlie horses. They hurt and ache and my legs are just a mess! i'm headed for a hot date! (with my heating pad!!!!)
I feel terrible. Its not this child's fault that life's turned out the way it has. He can't help that Ken's gone and I'm alone. He can't help that i feel like i can't do this. I know I can! I've been a single mom for just shy of five years. Whats one more kid with one more mouth for 18 years.
We haven't been able to have a productive conversation about my role and his role. All he says is call me in April. I can't wait til April to know how involved or uninvolved he's going to be. I can't do it alone. Physically I can. I can handle two kids. I can handle the sleepless nights. I can handle the baby sickness the feedings at all hours, the diapers, the crying, and the gross stuff that comes along with a baby. But, I can't do two with no help monetarily.
I didn't sign up for this this time! I signed up to be a wife and a mom. I signed up to love and be loved. I signed up for good times. I signed up for bad times. I did not sign up to have my heart somewhere out there doing whatever, without me.
I love my children. Both of them! With an unfaltering and unending love! I just can't seem to connect with everything going on in my world.
I've enjoyed just sitting back and trying to take care of myself! The tanning has been wonderful! I've had some good times with a very supportive friend in the last weeks. I went to a dollar movie at the end of last week. I've killed people online. (Mobsters..... myspace.... what else can you say?!) I've knitted. I've watched and played poker. I have been able to spend time smiling and laughing with a few people i consider friends. At the end of the day i am still alone. I still can't crawl into my bed.
I need to work on that. I need to sleep in a bed again. I need to realize he's not coming back and the couch won't hold up forever. I ache that my family isn't worth fighting for. Or that things have been blown so far out of the water in both our eyes we lost sight of the most important things!
I can't believe how big I'm getting. I had so hoped to be able to share this with someone. The kicks and the bumps and the growing disgusting belly! I want to experience for once what someone who's loved experiences while she's pregnant. I don't eat well because there's noone to bring me chocolate ice cream in the middle of the night when i want it but can't find the energy to get up. I just wish food tasted good. It doesn't to me anymore. I haven't had good food in a few weeks. I eat. But because i have to. Not because i want to. I'm just glad that it seems to be enough for the baby to grow and develop. Speaking of food i should probably find some!
Off i go! The newest pregnancy symptom has been terrible; Charlie horses. They hurt and ache and my legs are just a mess! i'm headed for a hot date! (with my heating pad!!!!)
Friday, January 9, 2009
Update for 24 weeks
I would give my left arm to have normal healthy pregnancy. But i guess healthy babies are more important than healthy pregnancies.
I know that the stress of my life is adding to the mess! But sometimes its just hard to escape the stress.
I've spent so much of my life taking care of other people. So much time making sure everyone else is provided for. That i forget to do for myself.
I went to the hospital very early thursday morning. I was having contractions. Apparently i have a very bad UTI and was quite dehydrated they ran some tests and monitored little mans heart rate. His heart rate was good. but i'm just a hot mess! The bladder infection on top of the dehydration caused the contractions.
My doctors office called me today and asked if everything was okay and then told me doc wanted to see me. So i just got home from his office where he told me that i have got to find a way to get some rest, reduce the stress, and find a way to take care of myself.
He said no more putting anyone else first. I needed to be my top priority. I don't know how to do that. I have so many things i worry about first above myself. My grandmother and her health, my son, my horse with no name (the one inside me) But mainly Ken. I miss him so much. I know i've said it more than once on the blog since we've broken up. But i just can't hardly stand the idea of having another baby alone.
When i went to the hospital on Wednesday (thursday in the wee hours of the morning) it was so late/early that i didn't wake my mom up. We had to take grandma for surgery the next day. I went in and sat all alone. It was a rude awakening. I didn't know how much i've missed him up til that point. I also thought it was healthy to be apart. Even though we fight. I just thought it was better this way.
As i sat there watching the fetal monitor and felt the contractions come and go i realized how awful that was going to all be when i'm really doing it. And when i'm once again there alone. I don't want anyone else there. I'm okay with friends and family being there, but thats not what i want. I want my family. My Ken.
Kayd asks me everyday "why isn't ken a part of our family anymore? Why doesn't he still love us? Why isn't he dad anymore." It absolutely breaks my heart because i have absolutely no positive response. All i can tell him is baby He just doesn't think he fits into our puzzle anymore. And our puzzle will never be complete. Two little boys who needed ken. It didn't start off that way. I was scared to let ken into Kayds life. But they were so perfect together. They acted like they fit! My boys. Hand and glove. They even looked alike. Now i have Two little boys who's chance with a dad is done. Ken wasn't supposed to be dad to Kayd it just happened that way. He finally had a chance at a phenomenal life. Ken was a chance at love for both of us.
Ken needed our love as much as i did. In my sickness and pain i wasn't very good at telling him how proud i was and am of him. I wasn't able to physically give all that i wanted to. All that he wanted. I wasn't able to just take a deep breath and let the little things go. I jumped too hard too fast. I fell head over heels in love with the man of my dreams. And now he's gone. In trying to deal with our mess of being apart we've said some terrible things to each other about each other. We've both been wounded deeply. Its hard to know how much my loved one hurts. Its hard to hurt so much without him here! I would give anything to go back a month before Thanksgiving and find a better way to express what was going on in my world. To make us okay. To fix it before it went too far
I want to be able to tell him how much i love him and know that he believes me. I want to be able to sit in his arms as i hold my sons. I want to be able to walk into the next room and see him surrender fully to the love a father has for his child. I want to be able to catch him sitting in the baby's room watching our little one sleep. I want to yell at him for spoiling our kids when in all reality it puts a huge smile in my heart to see the depths of his love. I want to catch him slide tears when our son and us are sitting and in the quiet moment when he doesn't think i'm watching, i want to see him fall in love with our boy. And as much as all of that i want to feel like i matter to someone. I want to feel like he still thinks of me. I want to know that he's proud that i'm the woman carrying his child. I want to know i'm not the mistake. I want him to hold me through all this pain and find some way to make me well so i don't have to be sick anymore.
I want him to know i don't regret. I do love. I will mourn. And i want him greatly.
i can't be sick anymore. I just hate the hurt. I know i'm rambling and that none of you want to read this. But also know that i'm a broken woman and i don't think i'll make it without my love, even with all the awful things said and done. I don't know how to make it through all this.
I'll always love
I know that the stress of my life is adding to the mess! But sometimes its just hard to escape the stress.
I've spent so much of my life taking care of other people. So much time making sure everyone else is provided for. That i forget to do for myself.
I went to the hospital very early thursday morning. I was having contractions. Apparently i have a very bad UTI and was quite dehydrated they ran some tests and monitored little mans heart rate. His heart rate was good. but i'm just a hot mess! The bladder infection on top of the dehydration caused the contractions.
My doctors office called me today and asked if everything was okay and then told me doc wanted to see me. So i just got home from his office where he told me that i have got to find a way to get some rest, reduce the stress, and find a way to take care of myself.
He said no more putting anyone else first. I needed to be my top priority. I don't know how to do that. I have so many things i worry about first above myself. My grandmother and her health, my son, my horse with no name (the one inside me) But mainly Ken. I miss him so much. I know i've said it more than once on the blog since we've broken up. But i just can't hardly stand the idea of having another baby alone.
When i went to the hospital on Wednesday (thursday in the wee hours of the morning) it was so late/early that i didn't wake my mom up. We had to take grandma for surgery the next day. I went in and sat all alone. It was a rude awakening. I didn't know how much i've missed him up til that point. I also thought it was healthy to be apart. Even though we fight. I just thought it was better this way.
As i sat there watching the fetal monitor and felt the contractions come and go i realized how awful that was going to all be when i'm really doing it. And when i'm once again there alone. I don't want anyone else there. I'm okay with friends and family being there, but thats not what i want. I want my family. My Ken.
Kayd asks me everyday "why isn't ken a part of our family anymore? Why doesn't he still love us? Why isn't he dad anymore." It absolutely breaks my heart because i have absolutely no positive response. All i can tell him is baby He just doesn't think he fits into our puzzle anymore. And our puzzle will never be complete. Two little boys who needed ken. It didn't start off that way. I was scared to let ken into Kayds life. But they were so perfect together. They acted like they fit! My boys. Hand and glove. They even looked alike. Now i have Two little boys who's chance with a dad is done. Ken wasn't supposed to be dad to Kayd it just happened that way. He finally had a chance at a phenomenal life. Ken was a chance at love for both of us.
Ken needed our love as much as i did. In my sickness and pain i wasn't very good at telling him how proud i was and am of him. I wasn't able to physically give all that i wanted to. All that he wanted. I wasn't able to just take a deep breath and let the little things go. I jumped too hard too fast. I fell head over heels in love with the man of my dreams. And now he's gone. In trying to deal with our mess of being apart we've said some terrible things to each other about each other. We've both been wounded deeply. Its hard to know how much my loved one hurts. Its hard to hurt so much without him here! I would give anything to go back a month before Thanksgiving and find a better way to express what was going on in my world. To make us okay. To fix it before it went too far
I want to be able to tell him how much i love him and know that he believes me. I want to be able to sit in his arms as i hold my sons. I want to be able to walk into the next room and see him surrender fully to the love a father has for his child. I want to be able to catch him sitting in the baby's room watching our little one sleep. I want to yell at him for spoiling our kids when in all reality it puts a huge smile in my heart to see the depths of his love. I want to catch him slide tears when our son and us are sitting and in the quiet moment when he doesn't think i'm watching, i want to see him fall in love with our boy. And as much as all of that i want to feel like i matter to someone. I want to feel like he still thinks of me. I want to know that he's proud that i'm the woman carrying his child. I want to know i'm not the mistake. I want him to hold me through all this pain and find some way to make me well so i don't have to be sick anymore.
I want him to know i don't regret. I do love. I will mourn. And i want him greatly.
i can't be sick anymore. I just hate the hurt. I know i'm rambling and that none of you want to read this. But also know that i'm a broken woman and i don't think i'll make it without my love, even with all the awful things said and done. I don't know how to make it through all this.
I'll always love
Friday, January 2, 2009
23 week checkup
My little one is absolutely "remarkable"
My doctor is so surprised and rechecked the dates and the measurements today. My little boy is a strong kid.
He's impressed by The baby growth and movement but isn't very happy about my development.
I have too much stress in my life apparently and he's not liking the way its showing through on my body. I hope I can find a way to get and stay well!
I have to figure out so much stuff between now and the time my kiddo's born. He's got a mom and a big brother that can't wait for him to get here. He's got my mom and dad who are excited for him even though they have mixed feelings.
I have many supportive friends but i cry on a nightly knowing this baby isn't going to have a family. I think that sucks! I wish i could give him more than i have. But i don't have it to give. And I don't think Ken wants to give it anymore. I love this little kiddo and i'm trying my best to make it through. I just can't handle the stress level anymore. Its way too much.
I am having trouble doing it alone again
Just that easy
My new blog is so named.
my pregnancy adventures :D welcome to it!
It transferred everything but the URL
my pregnancy adventures :D welcome to it!
It transferred everything but the URL
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