Whirlwind

I never imagined my life could be so crazy and desolate all at the same time! I cry out to a God who i know hears me. I know my punishment comes. But i wish he'd make up his mind on if I get to have peace or not. If I get to have healthy pregnancy or not. If I can even keep and raise this child alone or not. There's no peace. Even in my quiet prayer closet moment no peace comes. I smile but I just can't get excited about life. I haven't found a connection yet with the baby. I love him. But the connection isn't there. And that just snowballs everything.

I feel terrible. Its not this child's fault that life's turned out the way it has. He can't help that Ken's gone and I'm alone. He can't help that i feel like i can't do this. I know I can! I've been a single mom for just shy of five years. Whats one more kid with one more mouth for 18 years.

We haven't been able to have a productive conversation about my role and his role. All he says is call me in April. I can't wait til April to know how involved or uninvolved he's going to be. I can't do it alone. Physically I can. I can handle two kids. I can handle the sleepless nights. I can handle the baby sickness the feedings at all hours, the diapers, the crying, and the gross stuff that comes along with a baby. But, I can't do two with no help monetarily.

I didn't sign up for this this time! I signed up to be a wife and a mom. I signed up to love and be loved. I signed up for good times. I signed up for bad times. I did not sign up to have my heart somewhere out there doing whatever, without me.

I love my children. Both of them! With an unfaltering and unending love! I just can't seem to connect with everything going on in my world.

I've enjoyed just sitting back and trying to take care of myself! The tanning has been wonderful! I've had some good times with a very supportive friend in the last weeks. I went to a dollar movie at the end of last week. I've killed people online. (Mobsters..... myspace.... what else can you say?!) I've knitted. I've watched and played poker. I have been able to spend time smiling and laughing with a few people i consider friends. At the end of the day i am still alone. I still can't crawl into my bed.

I need to work on that. I need to sleep in a bed again. I need to realize he's not coming back and the couch won't hold up forever. I ache that my family isn't worth fighting for. Or that things have been blown so far out of the water in both our eyes we lost sight of the most important things!

I can't believe how big I'm getting. I had so hoped to be able to share this with someone. The kicks and the bumps and the growing disgusting belly! I want to experience for once what someone who's loved experiences while she's pregnant. I don't eat well because there's noone to bring me chocolate ice cream in the middle of the night when i want it but can't find the energy to get up. I just wish food tasted good. It doesn't to me anymore. I haven't had good food in a few weeks. I eat. But because i have to. Not because i want to. I'm just glad that it seems to be enough for the baby to grow and develop. Speaking of food i should probably find some!

Off i go! The newest pregnancy symptom has been terrible; Charlie horses. They hurt and ache and my legs are just a mess! i'm headed for a hot date! (with my heating pad!!!!)