Life

How crazy can one persons life be in such a short amount of time? its good to have my kid and i've got a few friends that have really stood behind me. None that understand. But still lend their support.

I'm kinda at a crossroads. I've overcome it well and am excited for my future. I'm ready to move on with my life and i'm ready to have good things happen. In less than 12 weeks little Kamden (i think....) will be here and my life will be completely thrown up on its side!

Speaking of throwing up.... I still do that on a daily basis. I'm highly anemic which causes incredible bruising. (That is quite uncomfortable) and no matter how much potassium i take i get charley horses that cannot be rivaled! I'm getting incredibly fat. Not really anywhere but my belly. So thats nice. But i still don't enjoy that! No stretch marks (YET) (KNOCK ON WOOD!!!!)

I've learned a lot about a lot of people! I have learned a lot about myself. I've had some friends step up to the plate and be so kind and so generous and i have nothing but love and gratitude for them! And I find it so confusing how people that are just on the side lines watching can step up to the plate and be so helpful and give so much and the creator of this child can sit back and do nothing but deny our son.

I pray for mercy and I pray for compassion. I'm having trouble being compassionate. I'm having trouble with the turmoil that rages around me. He tells me he's coming to the birth and he's cutting the cord. I'm really uncomfortable with that idea. And i feel like a terrible person. I just know he's not going to find any grace for me in my hospital room as i'm laboring and its painful and I know he won't rub my back or hold me. I remember the moments right after Kayden was born.

I remember him peeing all over MY pillow (couldn't pee on the hospitals pillows it had to be my personal pillow from home!) I remember delivering and the trying to get onto my back instead of hands and knees to see what was going on in my hospital room. I remember looking around at all the faces. My doctor my mom my doula sarah and my good friend Brooke. I remember looking at brooke and seeing the tears in her eyes. Damn it, I was good til then. But I cried too.

Birth is such an intimate experience and i cannot imagine sharing with someone who isn't supportive. But at the same time how can i deny a father the right to see his sons birth? And my mom has decided to take charge of the situation and has told me he's not welcome there and he doesn't get to cut the cord. It just makes me want to do it alone. To deliver quietly. To do it for me. Noone but me and the doctor and nurse in the room. But at the same time my mom would never forgive me. So its kinda a lose lose situation!

How can someone really want to go through childbirth alone. How can my friends and family have such spite for Ken that they completely downplay my feelings in it all. Realize that i can say he's so terrible because he did me so incredibly wrong and he's been so completely terrible to his son. But I hate that they say mean things about him like they've earned the right. I hate that they think they can throw my bad choices in my face. It hurts. And I'm ready to just find a rock to go move under.