For my grandfather who has been gone 10 years. He went home on Jan 28 1999 *I haven't been to bed yet so it still feels like Wednesday to me.
and for others that have been lost and have meant so much
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
My baby belly bruise
If this is anything to speak of my son, he'll be a total bruiser!
I actually ended up getting sick while in the bath tub last night. Leaned over while still in the tub and i guess the heaving bruised my poor tummy! :(
Still?
I'm 26 weeks pregnant and still fighting with morning sickness. Monday and Tuesday were terrible! I can't believe how sick I've still been.
Yesterday i was so exhausted i didn't even want to move.... And neither did the baby. (who is no longer going to be known as baby Wyatt for those of you who didn't know!) At about 8:30 PM i started freaking out... I had only been mildly concerned throughout the rest of the day when he hadn't moved. But it was getting late and he was still. So right around 8:30 at night i took a hot bath. He loves them... I don't know why but he always kicks more when I'm in the bath. Maybe the fact that I'm so much less stressed out when I'm in the tub? But none the less he loves them! I drank a soda with some caffeine in it hoping that would rouse him. Usually that makes him move lots and lots! Nothing.... I hadn't felt him move since the night prior. (Monday) And finally at about 9:30 or so i felt it.... A kick. He's ok! I was honestly the most scared i have ever been at that point in time. Babies don't just STOP moving around. I was concerned by about three in the afternoon, but settled in for a HUGE nap and when i woke and he wasn't kicking around i started freaking out a bit!
I'm not sure what to do about all of that but I'm definitely going to keep my eye on it! Could it have just been because i was so sick that Baby didn't want to move around!? I'm going to call my doctors office on it today. I feel like a worry wart but i want to make sure everythings all okay!
Life's been crazy other than the whole baby baking thing! I have been relaxing and trying to stay calm. Lots of meditation. Lots of time in quiet reflection. I can't seem to find the words during prayer so i just sit in the presence of God hoping he can figure my heart out better than I've been able to! He's good even though i'm angry. I know he's going to pull me out of this soon and help me back up on my feet. The kids and I are kinda counting on it!
I'm going to go back for more rest. I just can't seem to get my feet under me! I was up getting sick until 3 or later this morning and was right back at it by nine. Maybe this is why I've lost all that weight and am back down to a prepregnancy weight! :( Keep me and the boys in your prayers as we try to make it through our day!
Yesterday i was so exhausted i didn't even want to move.... And neither did the baby. (who is no longer going to be known as baby Wyatt for those of you who didn't know!) At about 8:30 PM i started freaking out... I had only been mildly concerned throughout the rest of the day when he hadn't moved. But it was getting late and he was still. So right around 8:30 at night i took a hot bath. He loves them... I don't know why but he always kicks more when I'm in the bath. Maybe the fact that I'm so much less stressed out when I'm in the tub? But none the less he loves them! I drank a soda with some caffeine in it hoping that would rouse him. Usually that makes him move lots and lots! Nothing.... I hadn't felt him move since the night prior. (Monday) And finally at about 9:30 or so i felt it.... A kick. He's ok! I was honestly the most scared i have ever been at that point in time. Babies don't just STOP moving around. I was concerned by about three in the afternoon, but settled in for a HUGE nap and when i woke and he wasn't kicking around i started freaking out a bit!
I'm not sure what to do about all of that but I'm definitely going to keep my eye on it! Could it have just been because i was so sick that Baby didn't want to move around!? I'm going to call my doctors office on it today. I feel like a worry wart but i want to make sure everythings all okay!
Life's been crazy other than the whole baby baking thing! I have been relaxing and trying to stay calm. Lots of meditation. Lots of time in quiet reflection. I can't seem to find the words during prayer so i just sit in the presence of God hoping he can figure my heart out better than I've been able to! He's good even though i'm angry. I know he's going to pull me out of this soon and help me back up on my feet. The kids and I are kinda counting on it!
I'm going to go back for more rest. I just can't seem to get my feet under me! I was up getting sick until 3 or later this morning and was right back at it by nine. Maybe this is why I've lost all that weight and am back down to a prepregnancy weight! :( Keep me and the boys in your prayers as we try to make it through our day!
Thursday, January 15, 2009
the vividness of dreams
K So i know they say dreams can become very vivid during pregnancy. And that you can have some off the wall dreams. I experienced that recently!
I had a dream that i was in a terrible car accident and that i died. My son was lost as well. Not Kayd but my baby. Its completely weird to have a dying dream and to be watching it all happen from an outside view.
The dream continued on to the funeral. They had the baby in the casket with me. In my arms. (creepy i know!!!) The childs father came to pay his respects and he leaned in over the casket placed his hand on my cheek stroked it and spit on me. He told my lifeless body. "I'm glad you're dead. You deserve this." He then leaned in over our son Kissed him on his forehead and told him, "I never wanted you, I'm glad its over."
I'm not sure how to get past that one. I know its just a dream and dreams don't mean anything. But thats not just a nothing dream to have.
I'm a psych major, and in one of my classes we spent a lot of time talking about dreams. And what they can mean psychologically. Some people think that dreams are the minds way of filing extra stresses away into the filing system our brain keeps to help maintain sanity. Others feel that they are just random neurons firing off which in turn create pictures then processed by the brain and sometimes result in what become odd dreams. Some people think that its our fears or our hopes coming into play. But noone can say for sure what these dreams really truly mean.
Freud, the father of psychology as we know it, (and a total quack if you ask me.) has the theory that nothing occured by chance. He believed that we repress things and that these repressed feelings or actions have to come out some way. (in dreams) Essentially our id at its best pulls forth while in dreams, because the ego and super ego are conscious efforts
Freud wrote "Dreams are the guardians of sleep and not its disturbers." thats a tall glass of water if you ask me?!"
What exactly is this dream meaning?! I think Freud is a quack but i'd love to lay on his couch
So to pull that back.... From what i've learned... The death itself could be part of my psyche dying and being transformed? but i'm not sure where the casket onlooker fits into that
any ideas?
I had a dream that i was in a terrible car accident and that i died. My son was lost as well. Not Kayd but my baby. Its completely weird to have a dying dream and to be watching it all happen from an outside view.
The dream continued on to the funeral. They had the baby in the casket with me. In my arms. (creepy i know!!!) The childs father came to pay his respects and he leaned in over the casket placed his hand on my cheek stroked it and spit on me. He told my lifeless body. "I'm glad you're dead. You deserve this." He then leaned in over our son Kissed him on his forehead and told him, "I never wanted you, I'm glad its over."
I'm not sure how to get past that one. I know its just a dream and dreams don't mean anything. But thats not just a nothing dream to have.
I'm a psych major, and in one of my classes we spent a lot of time talking about dreams. And what they can mean psychologically. Some people think that dreams are the minds way of filing extra stresses away into the filing system our brain keeps to help maintain sanity. Others feel that they are just random neurons firing off which in turn create pictures then processed by the brain and sometimes result in what become odd dreams. Some people think that its our fears or our hopes coming into play. But noone can say for sure what these dreams really truly mean.
Freud, the father of psychology as we know it, (and a total quack if you ask me.) has the theory that nothing occured by chance. He believed that we repress things and that these repressed feelings or actions have to come out some way. (in dreams) Essentially our id at its best pulls forth while in dreams, because the ego and super ego are conscious efforts
Freud wrote "Dreams are the guardians of sleep and not its disturbers." thats a tall glass of water if you ask me?!"
What exactly is this dream meaning?! I think Freud is a quack but i'd love to lay on his couch
So to pull that back.... From what i've learned... The death itself could be part of my psyche dying and being transformed? but i'm not sure where the casket onlooker fits into that
any ideas?
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Whirlwind
I never imagined my life could be so crazy and desolate all at the same time! I cry out to a God who i know hears me. I know my punishment comes. But i wish he'd make up his mind on if I get to have peace or not. If I get to have healthy pregnancy or not. If I can even keep and raise this child alone or not. There's no peace. Even in my quiet prayer closet moment no peace comes. I smile but I just can't get excited about life. I haven't found a connection yet with the baby. I love him. But the connection isn't there. And that just snowballs everything.
I feel terrible. Its not this child's fault that life's turned out the way it has. He can't help that Ken's gone and I'm alone. He can't help that i feel like i can't do this. I know I can! I've been a single mom for just shy of five years. Whats one more kid with one more mouth for 18 years.
We haven't been able to have a productive conversation about my role and his role. All he says is call me in April. I can't wait til April to know how involved or uninvolved he's going to be. I can't do it alone. Physically I can. I can handle two kids. I can handle the sleepless nights. I can handle the baby sickness the feedings at all hours, the diapers, the crying, and the gross stuff that comes along with a baby. But, I can't do two with no help monetarily.
I didn't sign up for this this time! I signed up to be a wife and a mom. I signed up to love and be loved. I signed up for good times. I signed up for bad times. I did not sign up to have my heart somewhere out there doing whatever, without me.
I love my children. Both of them! With an unfaltering and unending love! I just can't seem to connect with everything going on in my world.
I've enjoyed just sitting back and trying to take care of myself! The tanning has been wonderful! I've had some good times with a very supportive friend in the last weeks. I went to a dollar movie at the end of last week. I've killed people online. (Mobsters..... myspace.... what else can you say?!) I've knitted. I've watched and played poker. I have been able to spend time smiling and laughing with a few people i consider friends. At the end of the day i am still alone. I still can't crawl into my bed.
I need to work on that. I need to sleep in a bed again. I need to realize he's not coming back and the couch won't hold up forever. I ache that my family isn't worth fighting for. Or that things have been blown so far out of the water in both our eyes we lost sight of the most important things!
I can't believe how big I'm getting. I had so hoped to be able to share this with someone. The kicks and the bumps and the growing disgusting belly! I want to experience for once what someone who's loved experiences while she's pregnant. I don't eat well because there's noone to bring me chocolate ice cream in the middle of the night when i want it but can't find the energy to get up. I just wish food tasted good. It doesn't to me anymore. I haven't had good food in a few weeks. I eat. But because i have to. Not because i want to. I'm just glad that it seems to be enough for the baby to grow and develop. Speaking of food i should probably find some!
Off i go! The newest pregnancy symptom has been terrible; Charlie horses. They hurt and ache and my legs are just a mess! i'm headed for a hot date! (with my heating pad!!!!)
I feel terrible. Its not this child's fault that life's turned out the way it has. He can't help that Ken's gone and I'm alone. He can't help that i feel like i can't do this. I know I can! I've been a single mom for just shy of five years. Whats one more kid with one more mouth for 18 years.
We haven't been able to have a productive conversation about my role and his role. All he says is call me in April. I can't wait til April to know how involved or uninvolved he's going to be. I can't do it alone. Physically I can. I can handle two kids. I can handle the sleepless nights. I can handle the baby sickness the feedings at all hours, the diapers, the crying, and the gross stuff that comes along with a baby. But, I can't do two with no help monetarily.
I didn't sign up for this this time! I signed up to be a wife and a mom. I signed up to love and be loved. I signed up for good times. I signed up for bad times. I did not sign up to have my heart somewhere out there doing whatever, without me.
I love my children. Both of them! With an unfaltering and unending love! I just can't seem to connect with everything going on in my world.
I've enjoyed just sitting back and trying to take care of myself! The tanning has been wonderful! I've had some good times with a very supportive friend in the last weeks. I went to a dollar movie at the end of last week. I've killed people online. (Mobsters..... myspace.... what else can you say?!) I've knitted. I've watched and played poker. I have been able to spend time smiling and laughing with a few people i consider friends. At the end of the day i am still alone. I still can't crawl into my bed.
I need to work on that. I need to sleep in a bed again. I need to realize he's not coming back and the couch won't hold up forever. I ache that my family isn't worth fighting for. Or that things have been blown so far out of the water in both our eyes we lost sight of the most important things!
I can't believe how big I'm getting. I had so hoped to be able to share this with someone. The kicks and the bumps and the growing disgusting belly! I want to experience for once what someone who's loved experiences while she's pregnant. I don't eat well because there's noone to bring me chocolate ice cream in the middle of the night when i want it but can't find the energy to get up. I just wish food tasted good. It doesn't to me anymore. I haven't had good food in a few weeks. I eat. But because i have to. Not because i want to. I'm just glad that it seems to be enough for the baby to grow and develop. Speaking of food i should probably find some!
Off i go! The newest pregnancy symptom has been terrible; Charlie horses. They hurt and ache and my legs are just a mess! i'm headed for a hot date! (with my heating pad!!!!)
Friday, January 9, 2009
Update for 24 weeks
I would give my left arm to have normal healthy pregnancy. But i guess healthy babies are more important than healthy pregnancies.
I know that the stress of my life is adding to the mess! But sometimes its just hard to escape the stress.
I've spent so much of my life taking care of other people. So much time making sure everyone else is provided for. That i forget to do for myself.
I went to the hospital very early thursday morning. I was having contractions. Apparently i have a very bad UTI and was quite dehydrated they ran some tests and monitored little mans heart rate. His heart rate was good. but i'm just a hot mess! The bladder infection on top of the dehydration caused the contractions.
My doctors office called me today and asked if everything was okay and then told me doc wanted to see me. So i just got home from his office where he told me that i have got to find a way to get some rest, reduce the stress, and find a way to take care of myself.
He said no more putting anyone else first. I needed to be my top priority. I don't know how to do that. I have so many things i worry about first above myself. My grandmother and her health, my son, my horse with no name (the one inside me) But mainly Ken. I miss him so much. I know i've said it more than once on the blog since we've broken up. But i just can't hardly stand the idea of having another baby alone.
When i went to the hospital on Wednesday (thursday in the wee hours of the morning) it was so late/early that i didn't wake my mom up. We had to take grandma for surgery the next day. I went in and sat all alone. It was a rude awakening. I didn't know how much i've missed him up til that point. I also thought it was healthy to be apart. Even though we fight. I just thought it was better this way.
As i sat there watching the fetal monitor and felt the contractions come and go i realized how awful that was going to all be when i'm really doing it. And when i'm once again there alone. I don't want anyone else there. I'm okay with friends and family being there, but thats not what i want. I want my family. My Ken.
Kayd asks me everyday "why isn't ken a part of our family anymore? Why doesn't he still love us? Why isn't he dad anymore." It absolutely breaks my heart because i have absolutely no positive response. All i can tell him is baby He just doesn't think he fits into our puzzle anymore. And our puzzle will never be complete. Two little boys who needed ken. It didn't start off that way. I was scared to let ken into Kayds life. But they were so perfect together. They acted like they fit! My boys. Hand and glove. They even looked alike. Now i have Two little boys who's chance with a dad is done. Ken wasn't supposed to be dad to Kayd it just happened that way. He finally had a chance at a phenomenal life. Ken was a chance at love for both of us.
Ken needed our love as much as i did. In my sickness and pain i wasn't very good at telling him how proud i was and am of him. I wasn't able to physically give all that i wanted to. All that he wanted. I wasn't able to just take a deep breath and let the little things go. I jumped too hard too fast. I fell head over heels in love with the man of my dreams. And now he's gone. In trying to deal with our mess of being apart we've said some terrible things to each other about each other. We've both been wounded deeply. Its hard to know how much my loved one hurts. Its hard to hurt so much without him here! I would give anything to go back a month before Thanksgiving and find a better way to express what was going on in my world. To make us okay. To fix it before it went too far
I want to be able to tell him how much i love him and know that he believes me. I want to be able to sit in his arms as i hold my sons. I want to be able to walk into the next room and see him surrender fully to the love a father has for his child. I want to be able to catch him sitting in the baby's room watching our little one sleep. I want to yell at him for spoiling our kids when in all reality it puts a huge smile in my heart to see the depths of his love. I want to catch him slide tears when our son and us are sitting and in the quiet moment when he doesn't think i'm watching, i want to see him fall in love with our boy. And as much as all of that i want to feel like i matter to someone. I want to feel like he still thinks of me. I want to know that he's proud that i'm the woman carrying his child. I want to know i'm not the mistake. I want him to hold me through all this pain and find some way to make me well so i don't have to be sick anymore.
I want him to know i don't regret. I do love. I will mourn. And i want him greatly.
i can't be sick anymore. I just hate the hurt. I know i'm rambling and that none of you want to read this. But also know that i'm a broken woman and i don't think i'll make it without my love, even with all the awful things said and done. I don't know how to make it through all this.
I'll always love
I know that the stress of my life is adding to the mess! But sometimes its just hard to escape the stress.
I've spent so much of my life taking care of other people. So much time making sure everyone else is provided for. That i forget to do for myself.
I went to the hospital very early thursday morning. I was having contractions. Apparently i have a very bad UTI and was quite dehydrated they ran some tests and monitored little mans heart rate. His heart rate was good. but i'm just a hot mess! The bladder infection on top of the dehydration caused the contractions.
My doctors office called me today and asked if everything was okay and then told me doc wanted to see me. So i just got home from his office where he told me that i have got to find a way to get some rest, reduce the stress, and find a way to take care of myself.
He said no more putting anyone else first. I needed to be my top priority. I don't know how to do that. I have so many things i worry about first above myself. My grandmother and her health, my son, my horse with no name (the one inside me) But mainly Ken. I miss him so much. I know i've said it more than once on the blog since we've broken up. But i just can't hardly stand the idea of having another baby alone.
When i went to the hospital on Wednesday (thursday in the wee hours of the morning) it was so late/early that i didn't wake my mom up. We had to take grandma for surgery the next day. I went in and sat all alone. It was a rude awakening. I didn't know how much i've missed him up til that point. I also thought it was healthy to be apart. Even though we fight. I just thought it was better this way.
As i sat there watching the fetal monitor and felt the contractions come and go i realized how awful that was going to all be when i'm really doing it. And when i'm once again there alone. I don't want anyone else there. I'm okay with friends and family being there, but thats not what i want. I want my family. My Ken.
Kayd asks me everyday "why isn't ken a part of our family anymore? Why doesn't he still love us? Why isn't he dad anymore." It absolutely breaks my heart because i have absolutely no positive response. All i can tell him is baby He just doesn't think he fits into our puzzle anymore. And our puzzle will never be complete. Two little boys who needed ken. It didn't start off that way. I was scared to let ken into Kayds life. But they were so perfect together. They acted like they fit! My boys. Hand and glove. They even looked alike. Now i have Two little boys who's chance with a dad is done. Ken wasn't supposed to be dad to Kayd it just happened that way. He finally had a chance at a phenomenal life. Ken was a chance at love for both of us.
Ken needed our love as much as i did. In my sickness and pain i wasn't very good at telling him how proud i was and am of him. I wasn't able to physically give all that i wanted to. All that he wanted. I wasn't able to just take a deep breath and let the little things go. I jumped too hard too fast. I fell head over heels in love with the man of my dreams. And now he's gone. In trying to deal with our mess of being apart we've said some terrible things to each other about each other. We've both been wounded deeply. Its hard to know how much my loved one hurts. Its hard to hurt so much without him here! I would give anything to go back a month before Thanksgiving and find a better way to express what was going on in my world. To make us okay. To fix it before it went too far
I want to be able to tell him how much i love him and know that he believes me. I want to be able to sit in his arms as i hold my sons. I want to be able to walk into the next room and see him surrender fully to the love a father has for his child. I want to be able to catch him sitting in the baby's room watching our little one sleep. I want to yell at him for spoiling our kids when in all reality it puts a huge smile in my heart to see the depths of his love. I want to catch him slide tears when our son and us are sitting and in the quiet moment when he doesn't think i'm watching, i want to see him fall in love with our boy. And as much as all of that i want to feel like i matter to someone. I want to feel like he still thinks of me. I want to know that he's proud that i'm the woman carrying his child. I want to know i'm not the mistake. I want him to hold me through all this pain and find some way to make me well so i don't have to be sick anymore.
I want him to know i don't regret. I do love. I will mourn. And i want him greatly.
i can't be sick anymore. I just hate the hurt. I know i'm rambling and that none of you want to read this. But also know that i'm a broken woman and i don't think i'll make it without my love, even with all the awful things said and done. I don't know how to make it through all this.
I'll always love
Friday, January 2, 2009
23 week checkup
My little one is absolutely "remarkable"
My doctor is so surprised and rechecked the dates and the measurements today. My little boy is a strong kid.
He's impressed by The baby growth and movement but isn't very happy about my development.
I have too much stress in my life apparently and he's not liking the way its showing through on my body. I hope I can find a way to get and stay well!
I have to figure out so much stuff between now and the time my kiddo's born. He's got a mom and a big brother that can't wait for him to get here. He's got my mom and dad who are excited for him even though they have mixed feelings.
I have many supportive friends but i cry on a nightly knowing this baby isn't going to have a family. I think that sucks! I wish i could give him more than i have. But i don't have it to give. And I don't think Ken wants to give it anymore. I love this little kiddo and i'm trying my best to make it through. I just can't handle the stress level anymore. Its way too much.
I am having trouble doing it alone again
Just that easy
My new blog is so named.
my pregnancy adventures :D welcome to it!
It transferred everything but the URL
my pregnancy adventures :D welcome to it!
It transferred everything but the URL
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