That is all i needed to say! I've got two calendar months and thats it!!! March and April here i come!
I've told everyone starting at about 37 weeks i'm just going to start pushing. Everyone keeps assuring me thats not the way it works.... But I'm not so sure i believe them!
Its not that I'm ready to have a baby, because I'M NOT. But I'm ready to not be pregnant! But if the baby thinks he wants to stay inside me for the next 61 days I guess there's just not much I can do about it!
Oh how I wish the dates were wrong! :D
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
ONLY sixty six days to go....
Only seems like such a crappy word when it comes to pregnancy. I'm in fear for my body for the rest of its existence! Worried that any point in time that first stretch marks going to spring to life on my stomach. Worried that my back pain won't get any better and they are going to find alternative routes for Labor and delivery. I'm worry that i will spend the next 66 days throwing up as i have done every day since before i found out i'm pregnant!
Thats a lot of junk to cram into 66 days. Not to mention I don't have nearly all of what I need. I still have a ton of work to do on his blanket before its finished. I have to get Kayd a blanket finished as well so he won't feel left out. I have absolutely no clue who's taking care of My big prince while my little prince is busy being hatched.
And then to add insult to injury I'm back to being unsure about this childs name! Holy cow! I have about nine weeks to go (give or take) (hopefully just a LITTLE take) and this kid does NOT have a name! Thats discouraging. Nothing fits. Nothing makes sense. Nothing seems right. Nothing is as good as the name we picked together.
I hate making decisions. A name is a big deal. Kaydens name was so easy. I knew from the get what his name was going to be. I'm just NOT that lucky this time around! Just seems unfair for my little guy!
I'm ready for a nice big glass of wine and a long hot bath.... And for that ONLY is an exciting measure of time!
Thats a lot of junk to cram into 66 days. Not to mention I don't have nearly all of what I need. I still have a ton of work to do on his blanket before its finished. I have to get Kayd a blanket finished as well so he won't feel left out. I have absolutely no clue who's taking care of My big prince while my little prince is busy being hatched.
And then to add insult to injury I'm back to being unsure about this childs name! Holy cow! I have about nine weeks to go (give or take) (hopefully just a LITTLE take) and this kid does NOT have a name! Thats discouraging. Nothing fits. Nothing makes sense. Nothing seems right. Nothing is as good as the name we picked together.
I hate making decisions. A name is a big deal. Kaydens name was so easy. I knew from the get what his name was going to be. I'm just NOT that lucky this time around! Just seems unfair for my little guy!
I'm ready for a nice big glass of wine and a long hot bath.... And for that ONLY is an exciting measure of time!
Friday, February 20, 2009
Dr visit today
I went to my doctor today for a normal pregnancy check up. Which seem to be happening every other day if you ask me.
The baby is doing fantastic! He's growing and gaining and doing very well! Which is exciting for any mom to hear. Kayd loves to hear his brothers heartbeat when we go in! He asked me today why I have a horsey in my tummy! (Kam's heartbeat sounded more like a gallop than a heart beat to kayd)
Doc looked at my back. I've been having severe pain. He decided that i have a herniated disc and thats whats causing my pain. It leads to nerve issues which is why my leg going numb. Finally a cause to my symptoms and everything going on. WHAT A MESS!!! He adjusted me, and i felt better for about two minutes! but i'm back to being in pain again :(
so MORE meds. more drama. He hopes to get it all under control before L&D time as a herniated lumbar disc could complicate things a little bit! Here's hoping!
Kayd gets to go spend the night with his cousins tomorrow which means i get to take a night off! (POKER AT JAMIE'S!?!?!?!?!) Hope all of you have a wonderful weekend!
The baby is doing fantastic! He's growing and gaining and doing very well! Which is exciting for any mom to hear. Kayd loves to hear his brothers heartbeat when we go in! He asked me today why I have a horsey in my tummy! (Kam's heartbeat sounded more like a gallop than a heart beat to kayd)
Doc looked at my back. I've been having severe pain. He decided that i have a herniated disc and thats whats causing my pain. It leads to nerve issues which is why my leg going numb. Finally a cause to my symptoms and everything going on. WHAT A MESS!!! He adjusted me, and i felt better for about two minutes! but i'm back to being in pain again :(
so MORE meds. more drama. He hopes to get it all under control before L&D time as a herniated lumbar disc could complicate things a little bit! Here's hoping!
Kayd gets to go spend the night with his cousins tomorrow which means i get to take a night off! (POKER AT JAMIE'S!?!?!?!?!) Hope all of you have a wonderful weekend!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
A true pregnancy update
Lifes been so crazy busy i haven't done a true update on my pregnancy.
according to many websites the baby is already three plus pounds.
So pretty much of the five or so lbs i've put on just about 4 of it is baby?! I look pregnant so I'm not real sure about this not gaining any weight gig. I did it with Kayden too, and i survived. A lot of sites say at this point you start gaining about a pound a week. And the baby gains a half pound a week. Bring on the poundage i guess.
I've been so busy. Grandma is still in the hospital. (Went in Superbowl Sunday) and i've been back and forth and up and down in my adventures as well!
I can only sit for so long as i have pinched the nerve in my back that leads down to the leg. Its cause for much pain. And tons of discomfort! Only 10 weeks to go. And after 36 or 37 weeks I'm praying for a baby! So essentially i could be holdin my little kiddo in as little as 50 or as many as 70 days! (if i go more than that i'll be quite unhappy!!!!!)
Ken forgot to pay his phone bill and has been without a phone for 5 or so days and its been so wonderfully quiet. Kinda scary knowing i can't get ahold of him if something bad happens but its okay because i know he doesn't care anyway.
I'm trying on a daily basis to grow an attachment with this little one. Its just been so hard with everything going on. I know we'll share a bond. I know it will be okay, I know I'll love him very much but i hate that i feel like right now i have to force it.
I'm going to go lay down on the couch. I've been awake for 3 hours and can't hardly keep my eyes open! (Gotta love the third trimester!!!)
according to many websites the baby is already three plus pounds.
So pretty much of the five or so lbs i've put on just about 4 of it is baby?! I look pregnant so I'm not real sure about this not gaining any weight gig. I did it with Kayden too, and i survived. A lot of sites say at this point you start gaining about a pound a week. And the baby gains a half pound a week. Bring on the poundage i guess.
I've been so busy. Grandma is still in the hospital. (Went in Superbowl Sunday) and i've been back and forth and up and down in my adventures as well!
I can only sit for so long as i have pinched the nerve in my back that leads down to the leg. Its cause for much pain. And tons of discomfort! Only 10 weeks to go. And after 36 or 37 weeks I'm praying for a baby! So essentially i could be holdin my little kiddo in as little as 50 or as many as 70 days! (if i go more than that i'll be quite unhappy!!!!!)
Ken forgot to pay his phone bill and has been without a phone for 5 or so days and its been so wonderfully quiet. Kinda scary knowing i can't get ahold of him if something bad happens but its okay because i know he doesn't care anyway.
I'm trying on a daily basis to grow an attachment with this little one. Its just been so hard with everything going on. I know we'll share a bond. I know it will be okay, I know I'll love him very much but i hate that i feel like right now i have to force it.
I'm going to go lay down on the couch. I've been awake for 3 hours and can't hardly keep my eyes open! (Gotta love the third trimester!!!)
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Salt in the wound
So they told us yesterday that grandma doesn't have very long left. Its completely and totally heartbreaking. I'm not ready to say goodbye. Not while I'm pregnant. Not with everything else in my life crashing around me.
Ken still owes her money and its very sad that she'll die disappointed in me that we never paid our debt. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. My heart hurts.
I just need to be held right now.
Ken still owes her money and its very sad that she'll die disappointed in me that we never paid our debt. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. My heart hurts.
I just need to be held right now.
Friday, February 6, 2009
Life
How crazy can one persons life be in such a short amount of time? its good to have my kid and i've got a few friends that have really stood behind me. None that understand. But still lend their support.
I'm kinda at a crossroads. I've overcome it well and am excited for my future. I'm ready to move on with my life and i'm ready to have good things happen. In less than 12 weeks little Kamden (i think....) will be here and my life will be completely thrown up on its side!
Speaking of throwing up.... I still do that on a daily basis. I'm highly anemic which causes incredible bruising. (That is quite uncomfortable) and no matter how much potassium i take i get charley horses that cannot be rivaled! I'm getting incredibly fat. Not really anywhere but my belly. So thats nice. But i still don't enjoy that! No stretch marks (YET) (KNOCK ON WOOD!!!!)
I've learned a lot about a lot of people! I have learned a lot about myself. I've had some friends step up to the plate and be so kind and so generous and i have nothing but love and gratitude for them! And I find it so confusing how people that are just on the side lines watching can step up to the plate and be so helpful and give so much and the creator of this child can sit back and do nothing but deny our son.
I pray for mercy and I pray for compassion. I'm having trouble being compassionate. I'm having trouble with the turmoil that rages around me. He tells me he's coming to the birth and he's cutting the cord. I'm really uncomfortable with that idea. And i feel like a terrible person. I just know he's not going to find any grace for me in my hospital room as i'm laboring and its painful and I know he won't rub my back or hold me. I remember the moments right after Kayden was born.
I remember him peeing all over MY pillow (couldn't pee on the hospitals pillows it had to be my personal pillow from home!) I remember delivering and the trying to get onto my back instead of hands and knees to see what was going on in my hospital room. I remember looking around at all the faces. My doctor my mom my doula sarah and my good friend Brooke. I remember looking at brooke and seeing the tears in her eyes. Damn it, I was good til then. But I cried too.
Birth is such an intimate experience and i cannot imagine sharing with someone who isn't supportive. But at the same time how can i deny a father the right to see his sons birth? And my mom has decided to take charge of the situation and has told me he's not welcome there and he doesn't get to cut the cord. It just makes me want to do it alone. To deliver quietly. To do it for me. Noone but me and the doctor and nurse in the room. But at the same time my mom would never forgive me. So its kinda a lose lose situation!
How can someone really want to go through childbirth alone. How can my friends and family have such spite for Ken that they completely downplay my feelings in it all. Realize that i can say he's so terrible because he did me so incredibly wrong and he's been so completely terrible to his son. But I hate that they say mean things about him like they've earned the right. I hate that they think they can throw my bad choices in my face. It hurts. And I'm ready to just find a rock to go move under.
I'm kinda at a crossroads. I've overcome it well and am excited for my future. I'm ready to move on with my life and i'm ready to have good things happen. In less than 12 weeks little Kamden (i think....) will be here and my life will be completely thrown up on its side!
Speaking of throwing up.... I still do that on a daily basis. I'm highly anemic which causes incredible bruising. (That is quite uncomfortable) and no matter how much potassium i take i get charley horses that cannot be rivaled! I'm getting incredibly fat. Not really anywhere but my belly. So thats nice. But i still don't enjoy that! No stretch marks (YET) (KNOCK ON WOOD!!!!)
I've learned a lot about a lot of people! I have learned a lot about myself. I've had some friends step up to the plate and be so kind and so generous and i have nothing but love and gratitude for them! And I find it so confusing how people that are just on the side lines watching can step up to the plate and be so helpful and give so much and the creator of this child can sit back and do nothing but deny our son.
I pray for mercy and I pray for compassion. I'm having trouble being compassionate. I'm having trouble with the turmoil that rages around me. He tells me he's coming to the birth and he's cutting the cord. I'm really uncomfortable with that idea. And i feel like a terrible person. I just know he's not going to find any grace for me in my hospital room as i'm laboring and its painful and I know he won't rub my back or hold me. I remember the moments right after Kayden was born.
I remember him peeing all over MY pillow (couldn't pee on the hospitals pillows it had to be my personal pillow from home!) I remember delivering and the trying to get onto my back instead of hands and knees to see what was going on in my hospital room. I remember looking around at all the faces. My doctor my mom my doula sarah and my good friend Brooke. I remember looking at brooke and seeing the tears in her eyes. Damn it, I was good til then. But I cried too.
Birth is such an intimate experience and i cannot imagine sharing with someone who isn't supportive. But at the same time how can i deny a father the right to see his sons birth? And my mom has decided to take charge of the situation and has told me he's not welcome there and he doesn't get to cut the cord. It just makes me want to do it alone. To deliver quietly. To do it for me. Noone but me and the doctor and nurse in the room. But at the same time my mom would never forgive me. So its kinda a lose lose situation!
How can someone really want to go through childbirth alone. How can my friends and family have such spite for Ken that they completely downplay my feelings in it all. Realize that i can say he's so terrible because he did me so incredibly wrong and he's been so completely terrible to his son. But I hate that they say mean things about him like they've earned the right. I hate that they think they can throw my bad choices in my face. It hurts. And I'm ready to just find a rock to go move under.
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