My baby turns five!

So Tomorrow i wake up to a five year old terrorizing the house!

We decided that we needed a birthday present that would help with him and the baby....

We got it one day early and are putting it together tonight so he can enjoy it all day tomorrow and then every day thereafter (including when the baby comes and momma needs a break!)

My uncle and my sisters boyfriend helped put it together since i don't have a chance in hell to get it done with my back.

fat!!!!

HOLY COW I'M GETTING FAT!!!!!

bloody show?!

Thirty five weeks and i've experienced bloody show! Kinda excited about that! It means the end is nearing!

Exhaustion sets in!

I see the little counter and it tells me i have about 37 days to go. And to the counter i say SCREW YOUR 37 days! I'm miserable. I'm going to start pushing in 15 days! :D I've been tired, and i ache. My back is screaming at me. I spent sunday in contractions, monday dealing with doctors hospitals swabs needles and tests. Today i have to go back and see my doctor again. We're becoming very very good friends through all of this... ((Sarcasm))

The little man is still very unnamed. I've got to come up with something! I just don't want to make the wrong choice. It will come sooner or later i'm sure! I haven't even thought of anything. There's not a name that is in my head floating around. Its completely a blank slate. I know names it WON'T be. but that doesn't help as much as what people think it would!

Hopefully this will all be over soon :D

my week in review

What a week! Its been long and exhausting. I'm ready for the baby to come so I can have two days of vacation in the hospital with nothing to do but take care of myself and my two boys.

Grandma is dying of CF. Its really hard to watch her suffer. Its even harder to keep her off her feet. She's getting very forgetful and very very very set in her ways. If she thinks something should go one way, thats the way its going to go, and if you're in her way you get run over. Its good I'm stubborn. But its too much. I hate arguing with her three to four times a day on her meds, and on her food intake, and over the way to stack the dishwasher. I do it with honor. She's taken care of me for a very long time and I know I'm lucky to still have her here. In June we were told she wouldn't make it more than six months.

We lucked out. I got pregnant. And that gave her nine months more that she had to live. She yelled at me when she found out we were expecting. "Jamie you little shit. You would do that to me. Now i have to live til April to meet my grandbaby?!" I just smiled and said yes ma'am you do! I am sure that this little boy isn't the only reason she's still alive and kicking. But i know the mind is stronger than the body. She's giving up. Its getting harder and harder to care for her. Especially with my back. But a month ago we weren't sure she'd ever get to meet the little one!
But here she is. Just 40 days from my due date and she's still holding on.

I'm very tired. I'm worn out. I'm discouraged. I'm feeling kinda useless. But I'm making it through. I'm ready for my son to come and I'm ready to talk my doctor into tying my tubes up! I can't wait for my son but I know that I never want to do this again. I can't handle the stress pregnancy has put on my body. I am ready to be done. He still has growing to do. His lungs and liver still need to develop further. He needs to get bigger. (or at least thats what the books say.) but I'm fat my back hurts i'm miserable and i'm ready to have a few minutes away!

Tonight someone else is going to come take care of grandma so i can sneak out of the house for a little while. She's requiring round the clock care. And i need a break!

checkin in

FORTY SEVEN DAYS!

that is all!

fifty one days!

All my fingers and toes... All Kayds fingers and toes.... And all the fingers of the new baby.... Thats all we need to count how many days i have left! I've never wanted to chop off hands and feet more!

Fifty more days of pain. I can't hardly imagine it! I'm ready to have this litle critter now. I'm still holding out hope that my doctor will take me a few weeks early. If he takes me at 38 weeks then i can cut off two hands and all but one toe on a foot. That totally works for me!

Grandma's home and slowly gaining strength. It takes a lot of hard work to take care of her. Its been bad on my back. I pray for new strength for her everyday!

Kayd is getting crazier by the minute. I really hope he gets his bad attitude in check by the time the new kid comes. I can't handle it! He needs to go out and run the stink off!!!!!

I need to just lay in a tanning bed and forget life for 10 minutes! Maybe later today i can do that!

Lots of new stuff

I saw my doctor yesterday. Took him my films from my MRI and we looked over them together.

There is degeneration as well as a herniation in the disc between L4 and L5! I start PT today! I'm actually excited for that! It will feel good to get out of the house and away. And Kayd can't come with me! Its like a mini vacation! Doc doesn't want to do a spinal block because of the risks it produces for my little unnamed wonder. (still doesn't have a name the poor kid!) I'm hoping there's something they can do or recommend that will make my next 5-8 weeks more managable.

I talked to my doctor yesterday while i was in about how we aren't sure grandma is going to make it til the baby comes and if in five weeks she's still here and we're coming down to the wire he needs to know that I'm going to push to do anything i can to get the baby here while she's still alive. I remember 10 years ago when my grandfather died, the day we burried him my moms cousin rhonda had her first child. I just don't want to give birth on the same day i bury my second mom.

So i guess if you're reading this pray that i make it and she makes it and we both have the emotional strength to get there.

I will know by the days end if i am proud owner of a new breast pump or not. Well not new but new to me. I have all the tubings and things I'd need for the pump as i was lucky enough to borrow a pump from a friend last time. Between that and my sanitizing dish washer i think i'm ready for some pumping action.

I'm still not ready to have a baby. Its going to be such an adjustment! And I just don't know how i'm going to juggle my life, my kid, my grandma, and my baby! But somehow we'll figure it out and we'll get there!

He's already getting me in trouble

So I had an MRI today and my little unnamed prince did NOT like it at all.

For
me it was loud and it was cramped and I was feeling a little bit closed
in. For him and his tiny ears i'm sure the sound was more than he could
stand. I quite literally thought i'd deliver right there in the MRI
tube. He tried his damnedest to crawl right out of my skin the poor kid!

The
MRI tech kept yelling at me to lay really still. I didn't move an inch.
I just kept telling her to tell my little man that! You can see on some
of the films where he really didn't like the sound because it looks
like a fish swam across my back as they were taking the picture. Just
very distorted!

I hope they find the answer to my back pain through these films! I just keep praying for wisdom for my doc.

I got a whole new round of meds yesterday. Another 14 day round of steroids for the back. Some stuff for the heartburn, a supply of meds for the vomiting (yes i'm 32 weeks and STILL throwing up daily! its MISERABLE!!!!!) and of course something for the pain my back has me in! I am hoping they find the right answer and are able to provide some relief so i can enjoy my next six weeks.... (thats all the kid gets. I start pushing at 37 weeks active labor or not!!!!!!)

My little man and i are off! We're getting him a new pair of shoes and we are getting him an outfit or two and I'm going to let him get a gift for his brother for when he is born! We're going to get picture outfits and maybe even get pictures done today! I can't wait to spend the day with my angel! Did I mention LUNCH DATE?!

My little man isn't very little

I was sitting at the computer catching up on some money stuff and trying to figure out my taxes and my little man came running over. He put in Mary Poppins to keep himself busy. He came over with a tape measure to see "How momma measures up" and that little kids going to be four feet by the next time i turn around.

I love him but can't he stay little!?

Someone tell me this new one will stay little?!?!?! I don't want two big boys! I want my babies back.

He's not even here and its the beginning of the end :(

61 days to go!!!!

That is all i needed to say! I've got two calendar months and thats it!!! March and April here i come!

I've told everyone starting at about 37 weeks i'm just going to start pushing. Everyone keeps assuring me thats not the way it works.... But I'm not so sure i believe them!

Its not that I'm ready to have a baby, because I'M NOT. But I'm ready to not be pregnant! But if the baby thinks he wants to stay inside me for the next 61 days I guess there's just not much I can do about it!

Oh how I wish the dates were wrong! :D

ONLY sixty six days to go....

Only seems like such a crappy word when it comes to pregnancy. I'm in fear for my body for the rest of its existence! Worried that any point in time that first stretch marks going to spring to life on my stomach. Worried that my back pain won't get any better and they are going to find alternative routes for Labor and delivery. I'm worry that i will spend the next 66 days throwing up as i have done every day since before i found out i'm pregnant!

Thats a lot of junk to cram into 66 days. Not to mention I don't have nearly all of what I need. I still have a ton of work to do on his blanket before its finished. I have to get Kayd a blanket finished as well so he won't feel left out. I have absolutely no clue who's taking care of My big prince while my little prince is busy being hatched.

And then to add insult to injury I'm back to being unsure about this childs name! Holy cow! I have about nine weeks to go (give or take) (hopefully just a LITTLE take) and this kid does NOT have a name! Thats discouraging. Nothing fits. Nothing makes sense. Nothing seems right. Nothing is as good as the name we picked together.

I hate making decisions. A name is a big deal. Kaydens name was so easy. I knew from the get what his name was going to be. I'm just NOT that lucky this time around! Just seems unfair for my little guy!

I'm ready for a nice big glass of wine and a long hot bath.... And for that ONLY is an exciting measure of time!

Dr visit today

I went to my doctor today for a normal pregnancy check up. Which seem to be happening every other day if you ask me.

The baby is doing fantastic! He's growing and gaining and doing very well! Which is exciting for any mom to hear. Kayd loves to hear his brothers heartbeat when we go in! He asked me today why I have a horsey in my tummy! (Kam's heartbeat sounded more like a gallop than a heart beat to kayd)

Doc looked at my back. I've been having severe pain. He decided that i have a herniated disc and thats whats causing my pain. It leads to nerve issues which is why my leg going numb. Finally a cause to my symptoms and everything going on. WHAT A MESS!!! He adjusted me, and i felt better for about two minutes! but i'm back to being in pain again :(

so MORE meds. more drama. He hopes to get it all under control before L&D time as a herniated lumbar disc could complicate things a little bit! Here's hoping!

Kayd gets to go spend the night with his cousins tomorrow which means i get to take a night off! (POKER AT JAMIE'S!?!?!?!?!) Hope all of you have a wonderful weekend!

A true pregnancy update

Lifes been so crazy busy i haven't done a true update on my pregnancy.

according to many websites the baby is already three plus pounds.

So pretty much of the five or so lbs i've put on just about 4 of it is baby?! I look pregnant so I'm not real sure about this not gaining any weight gig. I did it with Kayden too, and i survived. A lot of sites say at this point you start gaining about a pound a week. And the baby gains a half pound a week. Bring on the poundage i guess.

I've been so busy. Grandma is still in the hospital. (Went in Superbowl Sunday) and i've been back and forth and up and down in my adventures as well!

I can only sit for so long as i have pinched the nerve in my back that leads down to the leg. Its cause for much pain. And tons of discomfort! Only 10 weeks to go. And after 36 or 37 weeks I'm praying for a baby! So essentially i could be holdin my little kiddo in as little as 50 or as many as 70 days! (if i go more than that i'll be quite unhappy!!!!!)

Ken forgot to pay his phone bill and has been without a phone for 5 or so days and its been so wonderfully quiet. Kinda scary knowing i can't get ahold of him if something bad happens but its okay because i know he doesn't care anyway.

I'm trying on a daily basis to grow an attachment with this little one. Its just been so hard with everything going on. I know we'll share a bond. I know it will be okay, I know I'll love him very much but i hate that i feel like right now i have to force it.

I'm going to go lay down on the couch. I've been awake for 3 hours and can't hardly keep my eyes open! (Gotta love the third trimester!!!)

Salt in the wound

So they told us yesterday that grandma doesn't have very long left. Its completely and totally heartbreaking. I'm not ready to say goodbye. Not while I'm pregnant. Not with everything else in my life crashing around me.

Ken still owes her money and its very sad that she'll die disappointed in me that we never paid our debt. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to think. My heart hurts.

I just need to be held right now.

Life

How crazy can one persons life be in such a short amount of time? its good to have my kid and i've got a few friends that have really stood behind me. None that understand. But still lend their support.

I'm kinda at a crossroads. I've overcome it well and am excited for my future. I'm ready to move on with my life and i'm ready to have good things happen. In less than 12 weeks little Kamden (i think....) will be here and my life will be completely thrown up on its side!

Speaking of throwing up.... I still do that on a daily basis. I'm highly anemic which causes incredible bruising. (That is quite uncomfortable) and no matter how much potassium i take i get charley horses that cannot be rivaled! I'm getting incredibly fat. Not really anywhere but my belly. So thats nice. But i still don't enjoy that! No stretch marks (YET) (KNOCK ON WOOD!!!!)

I've learned a lot about a lot of people! I have learned a lot about myself. I've had some friends step up to the plate and be so kind and so generous and i have nothing but love and gratitude for them! And I find it so confusing how people that are just on the side lines watching can step up to the plate and be so helpful and give so much and the creator of this child can sit back and do nothing but deny our son.

I pray for mercy and I pray for compassion. I'm having trouble being compassionate. I'm having trouble with the turmoil that rages around me. He tells me he's coming to the birth and he's cutting the cord. I'm really uncomfortable with that idea. And i feel like a terrible person. I just know he's not going to find any grace for me in my hospital room as i'm laboring and its painful and I know he won't rub my back or hold me. I remember the moments right after Kayden was born.

I remember him peeing all over MY pillow (couldn't pee on the hospitals pillows it had to be my personal pillow from home!) I remember delivering and the trying to get onto my back instead of hands and knees to see what was going on in my hospital room. I remember looking around at all the faces. My doctor my mom my doula sarah and my good friend Brooke. I remember looking at brooke and seeing the tears in her eyes. Damn it, I was good til then. But I cried too.

Birth is such an intimate experience and i cannot imagine sharing with someone who isn't supportive. But at the same time how can i deny a father the right to see his sons birth? And my mom has decided to take charge of the situation and has told me he's not welcome there and he doesn't get to cut the cord. It just makes me want to do it alone. To deliver quietly. To do it for me. Noone but me and the doctor and nurse in the room. But at the same time my mom would never forgive me. So its kinda a lose lose situation!

How can someone really want to go through childbirth alone. How can my friends and family have such spite for Ken that they completely downplay my feelings in it all. Realize that i can say he's so terrible because he did me so incredibly wrong and he's been so completely terrible to his son. But I hate that they say mean things about him like they've earned the right. I hate that they think they can throw my bad choices in my face. It hurts. And I'm ready to just find a rock to go move under.

I miss you

For my grandfather who has been gone 10 years. He went home on Jan 28 1999 *I haven't been to bed yet so it still feels like Wednesday to me.



and for others that have been lost and have meant so much

My baby belly bruise

If this is anything to speak of my son, he'll be a total bruiser!

I actually ended up getting sick while in the bath tub last night. Leaned over while still in the tub and i guess the heaving bruised my poor tummy! :(

Still?

I'm 26 weeks pregnant and still fighting with morning sickness. Monday and Tuesday were terrible! I can't believe how sick I've still been.

Yesterday i was so exhausted i didn't even want to move.... And neither did the baby. (who is no longer going to be known as baby Wyatt for those of you who didn't know!) At about 8:30 PM i started freaking out... I had only been mildly concerned throughout the rest of the day when he hadn't moved. But it was getting late and he was still. So right around 8:30 at night i took a hot bath. He loves them... I don't know why but he always kicks more when I'm in the bath. Maybe the fact that I'm so much less stressed out when I'm in the tub? But none the less he loves them! I drank a soda with some caffeine in it hoping that would rouse him. Usually that makes him move lots and lots! Nothing.... I hadn't felt him move since the night prior. (Monday) And finally at about 9:30 or so i felt it.... A kick. He's ok! I was honestly the most scared i have ever been at that point in time. Babies don't just STOP moving around. I was concerned by about three in the afternoon, but settled in for a HUGE nap and when i woke and he wasn't kicking around i started freaking out a bit!

I'm not sure what to do about all of that but I'm definitely going to keep my eye on it! Could it have just been because i was so sick that Baby didn't want to move around!? I'm going to call my doctors office on it today. I feel like a worry wart but i want to make sure everythings all okay!


Life's been crazy other than the whole baby baking thing! I have been relaxing and trying to stay calm. Lots of meditation. Lots of time in quiet reflection. I can't seem to find the words during prayer so i just sit in the presence of God hoping he can figure my heart out better than I've been able to! He's good even though i'm angry. I know he's going to pull me out of this soon and help me back up on my feet. The kids and I are kinda counting on it!

I'm going to go back for more rest. I just can't seem to get my feet under me! I was up getting sick until 3 or later this morning and was right back at it by nine. Maybe this is why I've lost all that weight and am back down to a prepregnancy weight! :( Keep me and the boys in your prayers as we try to make it through our day!

the vividness of dreams

K So i know they say dreams can become very vivid during pregnancy. And that you can have some off the wall dreams. I experienced that recently!

I had a dream that i was in a terrible car accident and that i died. My son was lost as well. Not Kayd but my baby. Its completely weird to have a dying dream and to be watching it all happen from an outside view.

The dream continued on to the funeral. They had the baby in the casket with me. In my arms. (creepy i know!!!) The childs father came to pay his respects and he leaned in over the casket placed his hand on my cheek stroked it and spit on me. He told my lifeless body. "I'm glad you're dead. You deserve this." He then leaned in over our son Kissed him on his forehead and told him, "I never wanted you, I'm glad its over."

I'm not sure how to get past that one. I know its just a dream and dreams don't mean anything. But thats not just a nothing dream to have.

I'm a psych major, and in one of my classes we spent a lot of time talking about dreams. And what they can mean psychologically. Some people think that dreams are the minds way of filing extra stresses away into the filing system our brain keeps to help maintain sanity. Others feel that they are just random neurons firing off which in turn create pictures then processed by the brain and sometimes result in what become odd dreams. Some people think that its our fears or our hopes coming into play. But noone can say for sure what these dreams really truly mean.

Freud, the father of psychology as we know it, (and a total quack if you ask me.) has the theory that nothing occured by chance. He believed that we repress things and that these repressed feelings or actions have to come out some way. (in dreams) Essentially our id at its best pulls forth while in dreams, because the ego and super ego are conscious efforts

Freud wrote "Dreams are the guardians of sleep and not its disturbers." thats a tall glass of water if you ask me?!"

What exactly is this dream meaning?! I think Freud is a quack but i'd love to lay on his couch

So to pull that back.... From what i've learned... The death itself could be part of my psyche dying and being transformed? but i'm not sure where the casket onlooker fits into that

any ideas?